


Celery

by melianthegreat



Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Comfort, Danger, M/M, Obsession, Stalking, some violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2016-06-16
Packaged: 2018-07-15 08:55:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 38,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7215919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melianthegreat/pseuds/melianthegreat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As a new intern starts work at the studio, causing friction between James and Richard, weird things start to happen. Is anyone safe?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I should warn you at the start this will be an epic read (nearly two notebooks handwritten). There is violence in this story, but nothing graphic, but it can be disturbing.
> 
> Later on I will explain the title, though it may become self-evident.

PROLOGUE 

 

“I am so sorry,” the nurse was explaining to Richard, “but hospital policy states only direct relatives or recognized spouses are allowed in the Casualty Area.”

“But…” Richard stammered. “But James... James and I…” he faltered and looked at the nurse desperately.

“What we can do,” the nurse replied, “is give you an update as needed. And if he can be stabilized for placement, you can see him.” Richard was on the verge of a breakdown. “We have a good team,” she tried to reassure him. “He’s being worked on right now. There's a waiting room right over there on the left. Go have a seat in there and I’ll bring you an update as soon as possible.” She left.

Richard walked into the room, hardly a little more than an alcove with a love seat and a couple of chairs. It felt as if his legs lost their strength as he crashed down onto the sofa. He shut his eyes and covered his face with his hands, trying to block out the images: the look on James' face of abject shock and horror, his large frame crashing to the floor in the studio, the paramedics’ glance of worry in their eyes as Andy ran over with the cup James had been using to drink his tea, Jeremy's look of utter bewilderment at what was happening. It kept coming back to Richard, along with a question:

Why? Why would anyone want to hurt James?

Richard began to shake.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Now is the deep breath before the plunge."

(six months ago)

 

“Toast is ready, Hammond,” James shouted upstairs. This wasn't the proper breakfast James preferred, but they would have to make do this morning. They were running late.

Richard ran down the stairs, reminding James of a herd of stampeding buffalo. He was wearing a sweatshirt over T-shirt and jeans, his hair still wet from the shower. “It never ceases to amaze me how someone as small as you can make so much noise coming down the stairs,” James stated, amused. 

Richard grinned at James. “You didn't complain about how loud I got last night,” he quipped.

“Only because you made me lose my ability to speak,” James replied with a smirk. He stepped over to Richard, handed him a slice of toast and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. “You have a very talented month,” he purred. 

“So do you,” Richard smiled wickedly. “Why do you think I got so loud?”

“Don't get started, we’re already late.” James grabbed his keys and jacket. “And either you’ll have to cram that in your mouth or you'll have to drive yourself to the studio. No crumbs in my Panda.” 

Richard held up his car keys. “I'm bringing Oliver today,” he answered simply. “He needs a workout.”

“Cheers. See you there.” Richard followed James out and went to the garage. James' Fiat Panda and the Opel Kadett sat comfortably in their space and for half a second Richard let himself imagine if a Kadett and Panda mated what their offspring would look like. 

“Good morning, Oliver,” Richard chirped as he saw James roll his eyes, but noted James also couldn't keep the smile off his face. Richard started his car and pulled out first, followed by James.

As Richard drove to the studio he reflected on things. The past year had been the happiest of his life. His friendships were strong, his career was stable, and there was James. James fit in his own category with the unexpected levels of joy Richard received the past few years. It wasn't just a steady supply of great sex that made him feel so good, though--that was just a byproduct. James May the man was a calming influence when Richard's legendary temper threatened to erupt. James the genius stimulated Richard mentally with their shared love of science and engineering. And Richard, ever curious, found himself willing to soak up more knowledge. James the musician fueled Richard's artistic imagination, which was making him paint and draw in amounts he hadn't achieved in years.

His home life apart from James was going well, too. Mindy had started dating again, a man Richard had met and thought of highly. Izzy and Willow liked him, too. Plus his daughters, now aware of his true relationship with James, had begun spending occasional weekends with him in Hammersmith. James had become attached to Willow in particular, while Richard kept the bond he’d always had with Izzy. Richard had still not had a formal sit-down with his parents (though his brothers were aware), but he had the feeling that would happen soon. Yes, Richard could say at this moment he couldn't imagine greater happiness in his life.

When Richard and James arrived at the studio, Andy shook his head and tapped his watch. Both made their apologies. Andy just shrugged. 

“Oh, I see From and Sam have arrived,” Jeremy announced as they entered the presenters’ room. “Really, are you going to even attempt to come up with an excuse?”

“No,” James answered simply. “There was oversleeping involved.”

“Oversleeping, okay,” Jeremy replied knowingly. “I don't want to know what you were doing last night to make you oversleep.”

“So what are we doing here so early anyway?” Richard asked.

“You're finally getting something you guys have been begging of me for years,” Andy told them. “The new deal gives us a bigger budget, which means more money for staff. So...I got an intern to work on rehearsal and taping days. She’ll assist in the wardrobe department and see to your needs, like making sure to have coffee made in the morning and the like.” Andy stared over his reading glasses at the three of them. “I trust you guys are going to behave yourselves around her, at least in the beginning? No rubber snakes, eyeballs in the soup, nothing?”

“Yes,” all three said at once, staring at the floor sheepishly.

“Right, then,” Andy replied “You’ll meet Carol later. In the meantime, production meeting. Let's go.”

An hour later, after a typically non-productive production meeting, Jeremy, Richard, and James made their way back to the presenters' room. When they opened the door they found a slight, mousy young woman with light brown hair, replenishing cups and stirrers on the table. “Oh, hello,” she announced, her voice quiet. 

“You're new,” Jeremy announced. “Are you Carol?”

The girl swallowed nervously. “Yes,” she answered. “Mr. Wilman hired me.”

“Hello, Carol,” Jeremy replied, trying to be on his best behavior. “I'm Jeremy, and this is Richard and James.” They invited her to have a seat. They spent the next several minutes chatting with her and getting to know her better. Carol came across as quiet and shy, but at one point she glanced up to answer a question and found herself staring straight into the large brown eyes of Richard Hammond, then she blushed slightly and dropped her gaze. In a few minutes rehearsal started and everyone got back to work.

Later that evening, James and Richard were walking out to their cars when they spotted Carol unlocking her bike chain. “Hello, Carol,” Richard announced. “You're leaving late.”

“I had to help straighten up the wardrobe area,” Carol answered softly, giving a shy grin. “Since I don't live far from here, I guess the late nights aren't so bad.”

“Well, would you like either of us to drop you off home?” James offered. “It's pretty late and it looks like it could start raining any second.”

Carol strapped on her helmet. “That's nice of you,” she answered. “But I don't think my bike would fit into either of your cars.”

“We could always drive behind you and follow you to your home,” Richard countered. “It is very late to be riding alone. How far away do you live?”

“Half a mile, maybe.”

“Then this should be easy,” Richard answered. He turned to James and said softly, “I can do this if you want and I can meet you later, or we can go at the same time, whatever you want.”

“I’ll just wait here,” James grinned. He dropped his voice down so only Richard could hear. “Just don't be too taken in by those green eyes.”

“Green? I thought they were blue.” Richard grinned. “But I’ve already been taken in by blue eyes, and they're yours.”

James gave Richard a smile. “See you in a bit,” he announced and waved to Carol. Then he got into his car.

Richard drove slowly behind Carol as she pedalled down the road, keeping a safe distance. Just as he was really getting Oliver into his full Opel Kadett chat, Carol made a turn and pedalled up a small drive to a tiny cottage. Richard pulled in and got out of the car. “This is your house?” he asked. “It's cute.” 

“I rent it,” Carol answered. It looks tiny but it's big enough for me.”

“When you get inside, flash your lights if everything's okay,” Richard said. “I’ll wait in the car until you do.”

Carol unlocked her door and looked up at Richard, who could clearly see her green eyes. “Thank you,” she said softly. “Goodnight.”

“See you Wednesday,” Richard answered. He walked back to Oliver and got inside as Carol flashed her front room light. He pulled out of the drive and drove back toward the studio, where James followed him home.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting to the heart of the matter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, another new chapter. The pace will slow a bit now as the following chapters are longer.

Time passed and things were largely uneventful. Carol was at the studio when Jeremy, James, and Richard would come in for rehearsal and taping, and was oftentimes there working long after the three of them left for pints at the pub. Such was the life of an intern, but even so it was doubtful Carol would have joined in--she was withdrawn and only seemed interested in working. In that area there were no complaints,--the presenters' room was always clean and fully equipped first thing in the morning, with coffee and tea brewing, the clothing racks in the hallway on taping days. When taping she was in the studio on standby should one of the presenters' want extra coffee or if a quick repair was needed. But Carol excelled above all in being unobtrusive. And she liked it that way. For the most part she was invisible. Nobody saw her.

Nobody saw Carol when she got home at night to her little cottage so close to the studio. They didn't see her on nights she didn't work as she’d go out, dressed in a short, sexy dress, her hair down around her shoulders, her face wearing makeup. Nobody would see her tearing around I'm her blue Mazda MX 5 that she kept enclosed in a shed that doubled as a garage, looking for the nightlife. They wouldn't see as she'd draw some guy's attention, maybe dance with him, then probably find some out of the way spot to screw him. But for all the men Carol was with nobody saw that--to Carol--she was only with one.

Because nobody saw the secret room that was in Carol’s cottage. It was just off her bedroom, a former secret playroom for kids sometimes used as a storeroom. In this room, nobody could see the pictures on the walls, some from newspapers, some online screenshots, tabloid photos, magazine articles. All pictures of the man wanted. The one who was the one for her, the one she had plotted for years to land and whose plan had been set in motion. The first part had been easy, getting the internship. It put her in access to her heart’s desire. This next part would have to go done carefully, but she was confident. It was meant to be. Nobody was going to stand in her way.

Carol was going to land Richard Hammond no matter what it took.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bad thing happens, and the guys learn they may be targets. James, meanwhile picks up on vibes between Richard and Carol.

"Wilman, I simply can't cut down my segment!" Jeremy was complaining loudly as they entered the presenters' room. It was a taping day, and Carol was running behind schedule making coffee and tea for the talent, hence she was in the room hearing the debate.

“Well your segment is simply too long,” Andy replied. “You've just going to have to cut it some more.”

“Oh come on, why can't Hammond or May cut their segments a bit?” Jeremy asked. Carol noticed Richard roll his eyes at the question. James said nothing, but pursed his lips as if he was on the verge of mounting an argument.

“May’s segment is timed perfectly,” Andy managed to answer with an even tone. “He didn't have to cut anything for time. As for Hammond, he’s already cut down his segment.” Andy sighed. “We have this discussion every episode, Jezza. For once, can you just do what I tell you and not argue with me?”

“Because it's my job to argue with you,” Jeremy grinned at Andy. “If I didn't argue with you, you’d be asking about my health.” Andy left.

“Give it up, Jezza,” James said as he watched Andy walk away, throwing up his arms in exasperation. “You try to pull this every week about how you need more time than Hammond or me.”

“But it's easy to trim down your films, James, because you're such a pedant,” Jeremy argued. “What's a minute or ten of facts or history the audience doesn't care to hear? As for Hamster, he’s short anyway. It's not like he’d miss minutes.”

“You funny man,” Richard replied. “And fuck off.” He turned to Carol. “Can you believe this oaf?” he asked. “Why are we short people--you and me--persecuted so much?”

“Don't listen to him, Carol,” Jeremy interjected. “Short women are not persecuted by men, especially appropriately sized men. We feel the need to protect short women. Short, angry, Brummie men, however, get persecuted because they are short, angry. Brummie men.” James laughed, Richard shot James a look, and Carol was called on to assist in the wardrobe room. But to Carol the important thing was that Richard had included her in their conversation, a sign of his comfort with her. It was the beginning of the next step.

***

A few weeks later there was a taping, and Richard and James, despite another late night, made it to the studio before Jeremy. As they were dressing he entered in a clearly bad mood.

“Uh-oh,” James murmured. “Someone had a bad commute.” 

“Angry Brummie men, huh?” Richard grinned at James. “Nobody says anything about angry Sheffield men,” 

“Shut up,” Jeremy growled. “I’ve got an electrical issue with my Merc. I had to stop twice for 20 minutes each time on the way here.” 

“So what's doing it?” Richard asked. “Alternator? Battery?”

“I’ve had both replaced in the past week,” Jeremy answered. “My mechanic referred me to a guy whose garage is two miles from here, and he specializes in electrical problems. Francie’s going to meet me and take the car there during the show. Then we'll ride home together.”

“So what has you in such a bad mood, then?” James asked.

Jeremy looked sheepish. “Francie warned me not to take the Merc,” he admitted. “She was going to get it towed to my mechanic, but I didn't want to spend the money.”

Richard and James both laughed. “Oh, so now you're going to hear 'I told you so’ all the way home tonight!” Richard said. “Better you than me, mate.” 

“Come on, you've never heard that from him?” Jeremy asked, pointing at James.

“He knows better,” James answered casually. “I can always punish him by making him sleep in the guest room.” 

“Well, there's 'punishment’ and 'punishment',” Richard answered with a leer at James. Jeremy beat a hasty retreat before Richard started explaining the difference.

There was a knock and Carol came in. “I was sent to give you the 20 minute call,” she said.

“Right, 20 minutes,” Richard acknowledged. Then he glanced up. “Carol?” 

“Yes?” Carol was wearing her hair down, though pulled back from her face, and she was wearing a tiny amount of eye shadow that brought out the intense green of her eyes. 

“I like your hair down like that,” he said and smiled at her. “It looks….nice.”

Carol smiled back. “Thank you,” she replied. Carol shut the door behind her, but just before it closed entirely, James caught a look on her face that made him feel uneasy inside. He chose to say nothing at the moment--the taping was about to start and he didn't want to introduce any negative energy at the last second.

***

The taping took awhile with the typical setups and repositioning of cameras, not to mention the moments when Jeremy in particular would lapse into the unbroadcastable. But eventually they finished, the audience was entertained, and Andy Wilman and Brian Klein, studio director, felt they had put together a good show.

Jeremy fished the cellphone out of his pocket and frowned. He’d forgotten to turn it off during the taping; Brian and Andy had nearly had strokes over the Times he’d forgotten to turn his phone off and it had started ringing. This time the bigger worry was that it didn't ring. Francie had taken his car to the mechanic. She hadn't messaged to let him know she was back. There was nothing--no missed call, no voicemail, no text. It had been hours. For the moment he was calm and quiet, but James and Richard knew him well enough to see with every passing minute with no word, Jeremy was ready to panic. 

Andy managed to disappear for a bit, but when he returned he looked pale. “Where have you been?” Richard asked.

“I drove up to see the mechanic,” Andy said. “I thought maybe Francie broke down on the way there, or on the way back. But I didn't see her or the car. Jeremy, the mechanic told me she never got there.”

“Oh my God,” Jeremy whispered. He didn't have to say it, all three were thinking the same thing--Francie and the car had been taken somewhere.

“We must call the police,” Andy said gently.

“He’s right, Jeremy,” James replied. “The earlier they’re brought into this, the earlier they can find her.” 

At that moment Jeremy's phone rang and he answered it without looking at the number. “Hello?... yes, this is Jeremy Clarkson... yes, my wife is Francine…” Jeremy's eyes widened and he exhaled sharply, as if he'd been punched in the gut. “I’ll be there shortly,” he whispered, unable to find any volume I'm his voice. He hung up the phone. “That was...uh... the Guildford Police,” he said, trying to keep his voice level. “Francie had an accident in my car. She's in hospital.” Jeremy's breathing changed, getting faster, almost gasping for air. “They told me to get there as soon as I can.”

“I’ll get you there, mate,” Andy replied.

“We'll come with you,” James said, motioning to Richard. “You should have your mates around you right now.”

“Oh God, the kids,” Jeremy gasped. “What should I tell them?”

“We'll go there first,” Andy told him,”we can see how she is, then you can tell them what they need to know.”

***

Jeremy had only been at the hospital a few minutes when a doctor found him and explained Francie’s condition. She ended up with a broken ankle and arm, and bruised ribs. Of more serious import was a ruptured spleen, and she had to be taken into surgery to remove it before Jeremy arrived.

James, Richard, and Andy sat in the waiting room while Jeremy was off phoning his kids and signing paperwork. Richard phoned Mindy; Francie had been a supportive and sympathetic ear when Richard had his accident years ago, and of all people he realized Mindy would have a unique understanding of where Jeremy was at the moment, mentally and emotionally. Mindy promised she would be there first thing in the morning to support Jeremy and Francie.

Richard looked over at James, his face white, and Richard understood James was walking through some unpleasant memories. James had not only dealt with Richard's accident and years of nightmares of repressed guilt and helplessness from it, but of Richard's sudden illness and then the aftermath of last year's Rescue Challenge; James so loathed hospitals at this point that when he came down with the flu he refused to let Richard take him to A&E if his condition worsened. If he was going to die of the flu, it was going to be in his own bed.

And yet, James wanted to be here to support Jeremy. It showed the profound depths of his heart and it made Richard love him all the more. Richard placed his hand on James' shoulder and squeezed it lightly in affection. James grinned slightly and sighed. “Another waiting room, huh?” he whispered. “I guess you’ve seen rooms like this a bit much.”

“The past several years, yeah,” James answered.

Richard sighed. “You know, I think Clarkson would have understood if you couldn't have been up to coming here.”

“Maybe,” James answered, nodding. “But I guess if there's any consolation, at least you're in here with me. My visits to waiting rooms have usually been with you as the patient.”

Jeremy came into the room at that point. “I wanted to update you guys,” he said. He looked pale and distracted. “They removed Francie's spleen and stopped the bleeding, but they said the next 24 hours will matter. And they’ll have to put pins in her ankle but they want to wait until she's stronger.” 

“She'll be okay, Jez,” Andy said to him. “She's tough. She has to be to be married to you.” 

“What about your kids?” Richard asked. “Did you reach them?”

Jeremy nodded. “They’ll be here tomorrow,” he answered. “Look, I appreciate you guys bringing me here, but I know you've all been up for a long time. If you guys want to go home and get some sleep and come back tomorrow, I don't think you'll be missing anything.”

“Mr. Clarkson?” a man asked. Everyone turned to the doorway to see a man in a suit and tie, holding a badge. “I’m Detective Inspector Gaines from the Guildford Police,” he announced. 'I’m investigating your wife's crash. Are you able to answer some questions?”

“Of course,” Jeremy answered. He was confused--why would the police send a D.I. to ask questions about a car crash instead of a uniformed officer?

“The car is registered to you, is it not?”

“Yes,” he answered. “I was having electrical problems and Francie was taking it to a local mechanic.” 

“Other than electrical problems, have you had any other problems with your car? Such as steering or braking?”

“No, nothing like that.”

D. I. Gaines took a deep breath. “Mr. Clarkson, have you received any threats lately? Anyone who's wished you harm?”

“Not lately,” Jeremy replied absently, then he realized what the D.I. was asking. “Hold on a minute,” he said. “What does that...are you saying…?”

“There were witnesses to the accident who indicated your wife appeared to be struggling with the car before the crash,” D.I. Gaines answered. “And your wife told officers at the scene it felt as if the brakes failed. An initial inspection of your car has revealed signs of tampering to your brakes and probably your steering.”

Everyone in the waiting room stood in shock. Jeremy stumbled backward slightly, as if he’d taken a blow. “Mr. Clarkson, I know this is shocking news,” D.I. Gaines continued, “but in light of someone apparently wanting you dead, I need you to cooperate and give me a list of your enemies.”

“That would be a long list,” Andy spoke up. “There are the anti-car activists…”

“Environmentalists…” Richard added.

“Certain members of the Labour Party and the EU…” Brian Klein said. 

“Fans of Piers Morgan,” James admitted.

“About half the populations of Mexico and Argentina,” Brian stated.

“And it wouldn't be a stretch to put much of the BBC on that list,” Andy concluded.

“I see,” D.I. Gaines nodded. “Well, I will need to speak to your staff. In the meantime I can only advise all of you to be careful. It's possible the target may be Mr. Clarkson, but it could be all of you, too. If you notice anyone or anything suspicious, call immediately.” He left a few minutes later, all of them feeling quite unnerved.

It was Jeremy who broke the silence. “I’m sorry, guys,” he said, his voice unexpectedly soft and small. “I know we’ve said before that we stand and fall together, but if someone is after me like this…’

“We'll worry about that fork in the road when we reach it,” Andy replied.

“We're there,” Jeremy argued. “Look where we are. “My wife is here because of me, something I’ve done.” He stopped and shut his eyes, trying to stop tears from forming. He took a deep breath. “Hammond,” he finally continued, “you and James should go home and get some sleep in a proper bed.”

“I’ll stay here with you, Jezza,” Brian said. “You’ll need to take a break or two tonight.”

“We can stay too, Jez,” James added, Richard nodding in agreement. “You have to know we're here for you.”

Jeremy walked over and put his hand on James' shoulder. “I appreciate the offer, guys, I really do,” he answered. “But everyone needs to go home and get some sleep. That includes you, Brian. You too, Wilman. You should all come back tomorrow. In the meantime I’m going to be with Francie  
***

James and Richard had each driven their cars to the hospital. Now Richard followed James home. Both men thought of Jeremy and what D.I. Gaines had said about the accident. Richard knew he’d have to talk this over with Mindy. He didn't know if Jeremy was the only intended target, or if a nut would try to track his family to Bollitree Castle to hurt them, but he had to consider that possibility. His daughters’ safety was at stake.

And of course there was James. If there was a threat against all of them, that included James as well. Could they protect each other, or would being together double their chances of becoming victims?

In his own car, James was asking the same questions. If it came down to it, Richard would and should protect Izzy and Willow before anyone else. But would his being with Richard increase the chances of another innocent being hurt? Even if Jeremy had been aware someone was after him, it wasn't Jeremy who got hurt this time, but his wife. James couldn't help but feel if someone came after him, it was likely Richard would be the one who got hurt.

Once home and the door was locked, Richard and James embraced in the foyer and spent the next few minutes simply holding each other. It was an embrace full of grief, full of worry, full of fear, full of love. Nothing was said. They went to bed and lay I'm the dark,listening to the other breathing.

“I can't sleep,” Richard whispered after awhile, knowing James was still awake next to him.

“Neither can I,” James responded.

“Jezza’s thrown by all this.”

“Only for the moment,” James sighed. “Once the shock wears off, if he finds out who did this, he’ll tear them apart.” James raised up on his elbow and stared down at Richard. “And I would understand it. I know if someone tried to hurt you…” he shook his head.

“As I would with you.” Richard whispered. 

James blinked. “You would?”

Richard looked surprised. “Of course I would. Why would you think otherwise?”

“It's not like I'm your kids or your brothers…”

Richard brushed James' hair away from his face and caressed his cheek. *I love you. And you mean as much to me as they do.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James notices Richard and Carol getting chummy, and Carol imagines her ultimate goal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting chapters as soon as I can get them into Google Docs, but be warned as chapters get bigger there may be delays.
> 
> BTW, the end of this chapter gets a little steamy.

CHAPTER 4

(a month ago)

The following rehearsal was just a few days later. Francie was still in the hospital, so Jeremy was with her, in anticipation of having to carry much of the taping in Jeremy's absence, Richard and James showed up early.It was clear Andy had called the crew in even earlier and discussed the incident, so the mood was subdued and gloomy.

At lunchtime James was called away by Andy to go over a segment Jeremy had been handling for that week’s show. Richard finished his meal alone then went to the presenters' room to relax.

He found Carol doing her usual duty of making sure there was enough tea and cups for everyone. “Hello, Carol,” he . announced.

“I’ll be finished in a moment, Mr. Hammond,” she offered, “then I'll leave you to it.”

“It's okay,” Richard answered. “But please don't be formal. You can call me Richard. It's hardly fair for me to call you by your first name and you call me only by my last.” 

“Have you heard anything from the hospital?” she asked.

Richard grinned. “Francie is doing well,” he reported. “She might be released from hospital in a couple of days. Of course she’ll be laid up awhile with the broken ankle and arm.”

“What about the police?”

“Nothing yet.” Richard paused. “In light of things, I think it would be a good idea for you to not leave alone on your bike.”

Carol nodded. “Mr. Wilman addressed that with my fellow interns. It's just that considering I live so close, it's easy for me to be the first to show up and the last to leave.” Her face betrayed her worry before she spoke. “Richard, do you think whoever did this might consider what's happened to be a success and stop,?”

“I don't know,” he answered. I think it depends on if whoever did this was after Jeremy or not. Until we know more, it won't hurt for all of us to be more careful. Will you at least agree to let me follow you home at night?”

Carol gave Richard a slight grin. “I guess that would be alright,” she answered. “If I’m honest, this place can get a bit... creepy... after dark.”

Richard smiled. “I always wanted to save someone from a ghost,” he joked.

“Here's your chance,” Carol replied and smiled at him. Richard smiled back and let his eyes linger, mesmerized by her green eyes.

James walked in at that moment and saw the look that passed between Richard and Carol. “Hammond,” James announced and watched as both their expressions snapped back to normal. “Andy wants us to get back to work.” He didn't wait for Richard to answer. James walked away from the trailer, unpleasant feelings twisting in his stomach.

***

The rest of my afternoon was torture for James. During breaks when Carol was free, he’d watch her chatting with Richard, bringing him tea, and James would feel jealousy boring into his soul and then he’d feel guilty for feeling like he was a 14-year-old girl watching her boyfriend paying attention to someone else. And then the cycle would repeat itself.

It didn't help that Andy was having to stop rehearsal every few minutes. He was sick, running constantly outside to empty his stomach In the tiny strip of grass by the studio.

“Are you sure it's not food poisoning?” Brian asked after Andy returned yet again.

“It can't be,” Andy answered. “James ate the same thing I ate, but he’s not sick.”

“No, but he does look a little pale,” Brian argued. The eyes of the crew locked onto James, as if they expected him to vomit on cue.

“Are you okay?” Richard whispered to James. “You do look pale, and you’ve been a bit quiet.”

“I’m fine,” James answered, looking right at Richard. “Let's continue.”

Just then Andy ran out of the studio and it was decided rehearsal was over.

Walking out to the parking lot, Richard pulled James aside. “Seriously, mate, how are you feeling? Because your colour is off.”

'I’m okay, Rich,” James told him. “I’m not sick. Whatever is wrong with Andy, it's not food poisoning.”

“All the same,” Richard replied, “you do look tired.” Richard lowered his voice. “I’ll go to the hospital and check on Jeremy and Francie. Why don't you go on home and put yourself to bed, then when I get home I’ll cater to your needs?” James nodded. “Good. I won't be long.”

“Okay,” James answered. Then he got in his car and drove away.

On his way back to Hammersmith, James took note of what he was feeling inside and remembered it from years ago.

It had been when he and Richard first started sleeping with each other. Everything had been going along well, but deep down James had felt something was wrong. It had been a feeling of confusion and emptiness, a feeling something was missing. Not long after, Richard told James he had to stop, that he couldn't keep living the double life of being with James and being married to Mindy. And even though James had expected Richard to reach that conclusion sometime, when it came James had felt blindsided.

At least this time he wasn't going to feel blindsided. James knew these feelings to be a warning of the inevitable. Sometime soon, Richard would come to James and tell him he’d cheated on him with Carol. Or that he didn't want to cheat, so he was leaving to be with Carol. Either way, it meant he was soon to be alone. Again.

When Richard returned home a few hours later he immediately locked the door and headed up to the bedroom. James lay sleeping, his back to the door. Richard took a quick shower, dressed for sleep, them watched James sleep for a long time. Richard knew in his heart James was upset about something all afternoon. He’d hoped James would have been awake when he got home so he could ask. But he was later getting home than he intended. He’d followed Carol home as he’d promised, leaving as soon as she flipped the light in the front room, then visited the hospital. On the way home there had been an accident that stopped all traffic for awhile. Richard was tempted to wake James up so he could let James know he’d made it home, and perhaps James would have told him what had been bothering him. Richard thought better of it, instead turning out the light and settling in next to James, stroking his soft hair until he fell asleep.

***

In her bed, Carol thought over today's developments with Richard. He’d actually engaged her in conversation whenever possible today. Of course she’d heard the whispers among the female crew members and in Wardrobe that he was naturally flirty, but Carol didn't feel like he was chatting her up. She could see a clear path toward landing him.

Carol knew, however, that when you see a clear path to your goal, obstacles unexpectedly turn up. And any obstacle to Richard's happiness was an obstacle to her own happiness --after all, Richard would not be truly happy until he was with her. She’d at least had taken care of Jeremy constantly trying to take time away from Richard every week. Granted she had intended for him to drive the car, not his wife. But at least it would still distract him for awhile, and may even keep him off the show until she recovers.

Today's experiment with Andy had gone well. Andy Wilman had done nothing to interfere with her happiness, but she needed to test something she’d read on the internet. And it worked. Now she had a new weapon to use on anyone who got in her way. All she needed was a cup of coffee and a bottle of eye drops.

She fantasized what it would be like once Richard was finally gets. He’d wrap his deceptively powerful, lithe arms around her and pull her to him. His lips would start at her neck and work their way down, lowering her onto the bed. Richard would remove her clothes and cover the exposed skin with his lips and tongue, licking and sucking in all the right places as she'd writhe in pleasure. Then he’d enter her, his cock filling her up, and thrust into her forcefully, crying out Richard's name at her climax. Then she’d watch him come, kissing him softly and whispering tenderly as he emptied himself into her. 

It was all before her. She just needed to remain patient.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone gets on the wrong side of Carol, with results. Meanwhile, Richard and James have a heart to heart.

Richard spent the next couple of weeks concerned over James. He was always known to be moody, sometimes even quite morose, but this level of depression hadn't been seen within James since he and Richard had gotten back together. When Richard would try to get James to talk about it, however, he’d simply refuse.

“I'm simply working through a few things,”James would whisper as he held Richard close in bed. “I’ll be okay.”

“But I want to help,” Richard would argue. “Whatever Is wrong, you shouldn't have to face it alone. Please tell me what I can do to help.”

Every night this conversation would take place, and every night James would tell Richard he needed to sort things out for himself. They would end up making love, but Richard could feel a growing distance between them, and he had no idea why or how to fix it.

Richard felt so desperate that he decided to ask advice from Mindy. She had an interesting answer: “With everything going on the past couple of weeks, with Francie's accident and D.I. Gaines questioning everyone, and you and James having to take on more of a workload, is it any wonder James might feel a bit thrown? You know him, Rich. James is the kind who needs to have everything in its right place in his world, and right now it's all out of order. The only thing I can recommend is that you remind him you're not going anywhere, that you are a stable presence in his world.” 

“God, Mind, I hope I can do that,” Richard said. “I thought at first he’d had some disagreement with Wilman, but Wilman says that didn't happen. At this point I'm wondering if there’s a health problem he doesn't want me to know about.”

There was a pause. “Oh Rich, I hope that's not true,” she answered. “I would hope he’d trust you enough to share that with you. And he clearly loves you, so that can't be true.” Mindy sighed. “Do you know, this is something I miss?”

“What?”

“This. You and me, just talking as friends. Not as parents, not over our marriage. There are times when what I miss with us is simply you asking me for advice because Jeremy's having a hard time, or you’re frustrated with Andy. Even though you and I are with someone else now, we still have things in common. 

Richard smiled slightly. “I agree,” he said. “That's one of the reasons I’m worried about James. We're friends too, and he is hurting over something, but he won't tell me what, and I can't help him.”

Mindy thought a moment. “Maybe that's the way you should approach him,” she offered. James isn't just your lover, you're mates. There are things you'll tell your mates you won't tell your lover.” Richard liked this idea, so he decided to try it. 

Richard decided that night he and James would have curry for supper. Richard had filmed a segment and finished early, while James was going to be at the office writing most of the day. He wasn't planning a night of romance, but Richard was hoping all this would relax James enough to finally say what was going on.

When James got home and walked into the kitchen, Richard immediately noticed how tired he looked--James had looked tired a lot recently--and James could only manage a slight grin. “Hi,” Richard smiled at him. “Hard day?”

James nodded. “Slaving away at the writer's version of the salt mines,” he said. “How was your shoot?”

“It went well,” Richard answered. “I decided to order a curry if that’s alright.”

“Of course,” James replied, but to Richard he sounded so resigned. Normally the mention of curry would bring a smile to James’ face, even if he was literally falling asleep on his feet.

“Are you alright?,” Richard asked softly.”You don't sound like yourself.”

“I’m just a bit tired,” James told him. “I’m going to catch a hot shower while the curry shows up.” He headed upstairs.

Supper was a quiet affair, both of them concentrating on eating. James didn't disappoint Richard in terms of his appetite, and Richard felt this next part would be best faced with a stomach full of curry . “May,” he began when he felt James had eaten all he could eat, “we’ve pretty much been mates all these years, yeah?”

“Yeah,” James answered simply, taking a swallow of wine. James had been drinking quite a bit of wine during supper, and he was getting pretty toasted.

“Yeah,” Richard sighed. “Then James, why won't you tell me what's going on with you? You keep telling me nothing is wrong, that you're sorting some things out. But it's clear from the past couple of weeks that you're depressed over something, and at least in the past if you had something on your mind, you’d tell your mates.” 

James nodded and topped off his glass. “That is true,” he replied, his voice slurring a little. “That is very, very, _very_ true.” Richard wasn't liking this. He wasn't disapproving of getting drunk--he’d been known to successfully imitate a sponge at times even with the reputation of being a complete lightweight,--but this was James, who was known to hold his liquor better than Richard and Jeremy combined. It took a lot for James to appear visibly drunk. And given the past couple of weeks, it made Richard fear that James was In danger of slipping out of control.

“Answer me this,” James continued as his voice continued to slur, “are you sure you really, _really_ want to know what’s up? I mean, Hammond, do you really?”

Richard paused a moment before he answered. “I think it would help you to feel better.”

James drained his glass, them opened s new bottle. “Feel better?” he smirked. “Well, maybe. Or maybe we should wait and get Carol here and then I can tell you both.”

Richard was confused. “Carol? Why would we need to have Carol here?”

“So you both can be here to tell me how far things have gone between you,” James answered, swallowing a full glass of wine and pouring more.

Now Richard was truly confused. “How far... what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Come on, Rich, I’ve seen the way you look at each other.”

“James, there's nothing going on--”

“You're attracted to her!” James shouted at him. “And how do I know that? Because it's the same I have on my face when I look at you! It's the same goddamned look half the audience has had looking at you all these years!”

Richard stepped over to James and took the bottle of wine. “I think you’ve had enough of this,” he said calmly. “The booze is causing you to hallucinate.”

“Do you know what makes it even worse?” James asked. He chuckled humorlessly. “The fact that not only is that little mousy thing attracted to you, but hardcore _in heat_ for you. I know that look, too.”

“And even if she was, so what?” Richard argued. “I chose you, James. We belong to each other.”

James stared at Richard with a haunted glance that Richard would come to remember later. “I just remember what I was feeling just before the last time you jerked the rug from under me, and me feeling it now  
Is telling me it's happening again,” he said, his voice soft and sad. “Just do me a favor, Hammond... don't go to Carol behind my back. If you're going to end up with her, come tell me first that you want out. I won't stand in your way.” Before Richard could reply James pushed past him and stumbled drunkenly up the stairs to the bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

***

Carol was wearing a low-cost blue dress, hair down, green eyes glowing brightly as she scanned the dance floor. She’d been fantasizing about Richard quite a bit lately, and she was horny as hell over it. Unfortunately the pickings in this club appeared slim.

“Carol? Is that you?” 

The voice was familiar. She turned and saw a fellow intern named Barry Partridge walking up to her. “Hi Barry,” she smiled at him.

“Wow, Carol, you look... amazing,” Barry said. “What are you doing here?”

“Same as you,” Carol answered simply, “having fun. But I was thinking of going home until you showed up.”

“Well, then, let’s hang out for a bit,” Barry replied. “Then we can always go somewhere else.”

Barry and Carol danced with each other and had a couple of drinks. Carol listened patiently while Barry droned on and on about Carol's transformation.While she appreciated the compliments, the endless gushing was boring; there was one man who she wanted to hear these words from, and it wasn't from Barry Partridge.

Unfortunately for Barry, he made a huge mistake. “I have to say, one would never look at you at work and guess at your true nature underneath. You're sort of a naughty intern. I can't wait to tell everyone at work.”

Carol 's eyes flashed. “Why would you want to do that?” she asked, her voice calm. 

“Because you have this whole other side nobody knows about,” Barry answered. “At work you're just this mousy little girl that nobody notices. Once they know who you are away from work, they’ll definitely stop ignoring you.”

Carol smiled politely, but in her mind she was trying to think fast. She didn't want to be noticed at work, her plans worked much better with her being unobtrusive. She was going to have to stop him. “Barry,” she said, “why don't you follow me back to my place for a cup of tea?”

“Your place?” Barry raised his eyebrows in surprise.

“It isn't like that,” she giggled. “It's just you and I have been drinking, and you have further to drive home than me. And I have an herbal tea that supposedly helps you to sober up. I'd feel better knowing you weren't impaired.”

“Herbal tea?” Barry replied. Carol nodded. “Okay. A cup of 'sobering up’ tea sounds like a good way to end this evening.”

“Great,” Carol smiled. “Let's go.”

Barry indeed followed Carol home. And he drank two cups of the herbal tea, in spite of its slightly bitter taste. Barry had to pop off to the loo and thought about how he was going to get Carol to let him stay the night, but nothing was coming to him. Then he took the wrong door coming out of the loo and found himself in Carol's bedroom. He saw another open door and curiosity got the better of him.

When Carol walked into her room Barry was staring in shock at her secret room. At that moment it would have been easy to panic, but she remained calm. “I think you were leaving, Barry,” she said to him.

“Carol, what the hell is this?” Barry asked.

“None of your concern, and you were leaving anyway.”

“But Carol,” Barry stammered, “this can't be healthy.”

“It doesn't matter,” Carol answered simply.

“But it does!” Barry argued. “What you've got going on in there is obsessive!”

“You were leaving,” Carol reminded him.

“Yes, I’m leaving,” Barry agreed. “And I’m going to go home and think of what you're going to have to give me to keep quiet about this.” He walked out of Carol's home, got in his car, and left.

Carol remained behind, a strange, calm grim on her face. Barry thought he had her over a barrel, and when he left he sounded so very smug. But Carol knew things she knew Barry didn't know. She'd won already.

Because when Barry was halfway home, he tasted something bitter in the back of his throat. He felt a hitch in his breath, and then another. Barry felt his throat begin to burn. And before he could pull over to call 999, he’d run off the road and his car hit a tree.

He never realized something was in the tea.

***

Richard sat on the couch, deep in thought. He’d heard James go back and forth to the upstairs bathroom a couple of times. That, to Richard, was a good thing--as drunk as James had been, it would have been easy for him to have passed out in a bad position, and something really bad could have occurred. Even so, Richard had checked on him a couple of times and found him sleeping.

But even if Richard had crawled into bed to sleep next to James, there wouldn't have been much sleep. What James had said cut deep, not about Carol, but knowing the feeling he’d had just before Richard had jerked the rug from under him. James, to his credit, had never made a habit of throwing their initial breakup years ago back into Richard's face. Of course he knew James had been the one to get hurt in all that, but at the time Richard had been trying to save his marriage and he just wasn't enough of a heartless bastard to live a double life for long. And at the end of it everyone got hurt anyway. But even though Richard knew he'd hurt James back then, until tonight he never realized just how deep it had run.

It had come down to that look James had given him. To be honest, Richard wasn't sure James knew what kind of look he’d thrown. It had all been there--betrayal, anger, the fear of rejection, lack of confidence in himself, and deep, deep pain. Whatever James had seen between Richard and Carol, it had pushed the buttons in himself. It made Richard wish there was some way to go back in time and found a way to end things back then without hurting James as much as he did.

“Hammond?” Richard looked up to see James at the entrance of the living room. His hair was wet, having recently taken a shower. “Rich, it's after 4. Have you been to sleep at all?”

“No,” Richard answered softly. “What about you taking a shower in the middle of the night?”

“Simple explanation,” James said, sitting in his chair. “I woke up and smelled like shit. Then I tasted my mouth and it tasted worse than I smelled. So, I got up and took a shower, and I brushed my teeth. I guess I’m pretty sober now.”

“Good,” Richard nodded. He knelt by James' chair and stared up at him. Taking James' hand into his, Richard said, “I belong to you, James. I don't want to be with anyone else, and I haven't wanted that for a long time. He kissed James' hands tenderly, then looked into his eyes. “I don't want to be with Carol. Why are you so convinced that I don't want to be with you?”

James looked at Richard for a long time. Finally he sighed and his expression changed into something deeply sad. “You're so gorgeous, Richard,” he whispered. “And in spite of her trying to hide it, Carol's pretty. And I know you've noticed that. I look at myself and I know I can't compete.” James swallowed down the lump in his throat. “The real bitch of it is that guys like you can have your pick. If a relationship you're in ends, you'd have no trouble getting someone new. Guys like me…we just can't.”

“And what makes you think you are anything but drop dead gorgeous?” Richard smiled, parting James' knees and pushing himself between them. “You stare at me with those wondrously blue eyes that light up when something intrigues you. At night I get to hold you close and stroke your soft hair. When you smile it’s like the sun through clouds, and you have one of the best full laughs I’ve ever heard. And it all comes from deep inside you, nothing fake. That makes you beautiful.” Pushing himself closer, Richard met James' lips in a kiss. 

When the kiss finished Richard pulled away a little and looked serious. “You're not going to lose me, James. As long as you want me, you will never end up alone.”

James' response was to lean back in the chair and shake his head. “I look like a right fucking idiot,” James said.

“Welcome to my world,” Richard chuckled. 

James pulled Richard up by his shirt and kissed him deeply. Richard put his arms around James' neck and pulled him closer, making it last. By the time the kiss ended, James was panting and his eyes had grown dark. “Come back to bed with me, Hammond,” he whispered, giving a grin.

Richard grinned back. “God, you're so beautiful right now,” he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised to tell you the story behind the title: 'celery' was coined by the fan base of a certain American Idol winner to distinguish between hardcore fans of this person and those whose behavior was more troublesome. These were fans who tried to sneak into their hotel room, ring up the parents at 4 in the morning, tell other fans nobody would ever love this singer more, etc. Borderline dangerous. Hence 'celery', because they stalk.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A LOT happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long read and a bitch to transcribe for posting. If you are still reading this, thanks and enjoy.

(five days ago)

When James and Richard showed up at the studio for taping they were greeted by Andy and D.I. Gaines. Carol was sitting on the steps of the presenters' trailer, sniffing and rocking back and forth. “Wilman, what’s wrong?” James asked.

Andy ran a hand through his hair. “One of our interms, Barry Partridge, was killed in an accident last night.”

“Oh cock,” James whispered in shock. Richard turned away. Barry’s main work had been at shoots and test drives with the Stigma, so he was well known and generally well-liked. “Are they sure?”

“Yeah,” Andy sighed. “D.I. Gaines told me there was no sign of tampering. Apparently he ran off the road and hit a tree.”

“What about Carol?” James nodded in her direction.

“Carol was the last to see him,” Andy replied. “She'd been out dancing and ran into him in the club.”

In spite of any feelings James had about Carol and whether or not she harbored feelings for Richard, at the moment he felt sad for her. James walked over to see Carol finish talking to D.I. Gaines. “I should have tried harder to make him stay,” she said lowly, wiping a tear away with shaky fingers. “He could have slept on my sofa. I just didn't think he'd had much to drink, and he’d had tea and insisted he was okay to drive home.”

Andy walled up. “Carol, in light of what's happened, I think you’d have every right to not do the taping today, if you wish.”

Carol nodded and took a deep breath. “If it's okay, I think I’d like to work,” she said, her voice small. “I think having to work will take my mind off things.”

Andy nodded. “I understand. “Okay, I guess we should get ready.” Andy stepped up with the keys and unlocked the door.

What greeted everyone was a mess. The couch and chairs had been slashed, stuffing ripped out of the pillows. Items were smashed and overturned. **DIE** had been written on the wall in big block letters in red, whether in paint or blood nobody wanted to know.

“God above!” James shouted. 

“Oh my God,” Richard sighed.

“Holy shit,” Andy whispered.

“Everybody out, now,” D.I. Gaines ordered. “Nobody touch anything.”

All of them backed out and down the stairs. Carol was trembling slightly. “Who could have gotten in?”she asked.

“That's a very good question,” D.I. Gaines replied. “And we're going to find out.” He walked over to his car and got on the radio to call in reinforcements.

“One thing is for sure,” Andy said, his voice grim. “We’re all targets now.”

***

Everyone in the crew was ushered into the studio while the police processed the crime scene and Andy assisted the police. The word was spreading about the vandalism and Barry’s accident, so the mood was somber.

Carol sat on the edge of the stage and watched everyone around her. She felt vaguely bad over dispatching Barry, but it was necessary--he was a serious threat to her plans and even if she'd managed to convince him not to tell, he could've easily let it slip out. So he had to be silenced.

At least she pulled off enough of a performance to convince everyone she was upset over Barry’s accident. Which made the discovery of the vandalism all the more effective. She'd done that very carefully, managing to lift a key from another crew member when Andy had been sick. She'd had a copy made and the original replaced the next day before anyone had noticed it was missing. Before dawn she walked down the dark road from her house, dressed in black, a hoodie covering her face. She knew where the security cameras were. She was quick in her escape. And she got home in time to catch a quick shower and bicycle to the studio, placing a time on her arrival as Andy and D.I. Gaines were there before her.

“Hi, Carol,” Richard said, standing over her. “Can I sit next to you?”

“Uh, sure,” she answered softly. Deep inside she wanted to turn backflips over this, but stayed calm.

“You were very lost in thought,” Richard said as he handed her a bottle of water. 

Carol nodded sadly. “I was thinking about Barry,” she told him. “Last night was the first time in months I took myself out dancing. I just happened to bump into him. We danced together and talked and had a good time. He told me he was good enough to drive home, and I didn't do enough to stop him.” She sighed and took a sip of her water.

“I think it's natural to feel guilt when something like this happens,” Richard answered gently. “But remember Barry made the choice to leave. You offered to put him up for the night and he said no. Don't beat yourself up too much over this. He thought he was sober enough to drive and he made the wrong choice.” He paused a moment. “I guess this waiting around isn't helping much, is it?”

“It was definitely the last thing I expected to see when the door was unlocked,” Carol answered. “I don't like feeling like a target. It's scary.”

“I know, it doesn't feel good.” Richard paused as Carol stared into his eyes. “Carol, we won't let anything happen to any of you guys. If we have to suspend production to protect everyone, Andy will do it.”

A moment later Richard noticed Andy motioning to him to come outside. James was already there. “No fingerprints,” Andy said, frustrated. “Apparently whoever did it wore gloves and/or wiped the place down. And the security cameras briefly caught someone wearing black, but the face was covered. If there is any good news, it's that nothing appears to be missing and only the presenters' room was damaged. So we can do the taping.”

“In that case,” James replied, “we need to get ready.”

“We can,” Andy replied, “but I’m worried. It's sounding more and more to me this is some kind of inside job. They only vandalized the place you two and Jezza hang out. Someone wrote DIE on the wall. I don't want to have one or all of you murdered in front of a live audience.”

“An inside job?” James asked, his eyes narrowing. “Other than thls…”

“It would make sense, I hate to admit,” Richard continued. “It would explain how someone could tamper with Jezza's Merc and nobody saw anything suspicious.”

“It is the theory D.I. Gaines is working at this point,” Andy told them. “His advice was for us to not trust anyone but watch out for each other, because we're all both suspects and targets.”

“That doesn't sound encouraging,” James answered glumly. 

***

The taping happened on schedule and was straightforward, Richard and James both feeling the need to not expose themselves to a potentially public execution in as little time as possible. Actually, both were fairly proud of their efforts on this episode, having to do all the work in Jeremy's absence. But Jeremy was planning to come back to work in the next week, which meant a more even distribution or duties.

Finally the taping was finished, the audience left and the crew set about clearing the studio and shutting things down. Carol excused herself to clean up the presenters' room as well as possible--there was going to be a need to repaint the walls and bring in new furniture. In the background the vacuum cleaner could be heard working away inside.

“Well, we survived today,” James offered uneasily.

“We did,” Andy nodded. “But I’ve decided until whoever is caught, we’re probably suspending the tapings. The risk is too great.”

“I don't know about this, Wilman,” Richard argued. “It's clear whoever is doing this is trying to scare us.”

“And succeeding,” Andy cut in.

“Yes, but I don't want to let them win,” Richard continued. “If they succeed in getting us to suspend a taping, it could jeopardize the show. And I think there might be a few people out there who would like to see us fail.”

“I personally don't like making a decision like this without Jezza,” James added. “This affects him too, you know.”

“Yes, it does,” Andy nodded. “We'll sit down with Clarkson this week and discuss it. If he agrees to my view, we’ll stop. If he agrees the show must go on, we’ll continue.” They were standing outside the presenters' room. The sound of the vacuum could be heard from outside. Something about the sound of it, however, didn't sound right to Andy’s ears. “The vacuum cleaner hasn't moved in quite a while,” he said lowly. A chill of fear ran through all three men. They ran to the door and their fear rose when they saw Carol's bicycle, both wheels flat.

Andy pounded on the door. “Carol?” he called out. There was no answer. “Carol, we’re coming in!” The door was unlocked, which shocked Andy when he easily threw the door open. 

Carol was lying unconscious on the floor, the vacuum cleaner overturned. There was a slight cut on her forehead. “Oh dear God,” Richard muttered at the sight. He knelt by her and put his fingers on the pulse point, genuine terror crossing his face. A wave of slight relief flickered there when his fingers caught the steady beat. 

“What should we do?” James shouted over the vacuum cleaner.

Andy grabbed the cord and unplugged it. “That's a start,” he said. “ I’m not sure if we should move her.”

“Wait a moment,” James answered. “I read somewhere if someone faints you're supposed to elevate their feet.” James grabbed a couple of the torn cushions and placed them under Carol's feet.

“Carol, wake up,” Richard said to her, sometimes patting her cheek, sometimes stroking it. “Carol?” James noticed how tenderly Richard touched Carol's face and instantly felt like shit over it; jealousy was simply the wrong feeling to have at a time like this.

After a few moments they noticed Carol's breathing had changed and she began to stir. Her eyes slowly fluttered open. “Oh,” she breathed, trying to focus her eyesight, blinking a few times. Slowly she started to get up.

“No, no,” Richard said, pushing her back down. “Be still.”

“Where is he?” Carol whispered.

“Where is who?” Richard asked softly.

Carol's eyes grew wide with fear. “Oh my God,” she sighed. “Someone came up behind me while I was vacuuming. There was a large hand and he had some sort of rag he put over my mouth and nose. I don't remember anything else…my head hurts a little.”

“We're going to take you to the hospital,” Andy told her. We're going to make sure you're okay. You hit your head on the table and it's possible you have a concussion.” In quick order Andy had the ambulance dispatched and put in a call to D.I. Gaines. Only after Carol was put on the stretcher to take to A&E was the cloth found underneath her. It lent credence to Carol's words--whoever it was had rendered Carol unconscious, and in the process of collapsing the cloth had been forced from his hand. It didn't help that Andy went to check the security footage only to find the entire system had been disabled. Rather brutally, judging by the ripped wiring. Whoever was doing all this to scare everyone, they were doing a pretty damn good job of it. 

James, Richard, and Andy followed the ambulance to the A&E, where D.I. Gaines met them. He questioned Carol at length about the incident and when he returned to the waiting room, even he was scratching his head. “For the life of me I haven't figured this one out,” He muttered. “That does not mean I won't figure it out, just that I haven't --yet. I think the next step, Mr. Wilman, would be to conduct background checks on all your employees and investigate what shakes loose.”

James shifted in his chair uncomfortably. “Is that really necessary?” he asked.

“I believe so,” D.I. Gaines answered. “Everything points to someone in your crew, and we need to see what the connections are between all of you other than work.”

“But it could be someone other than a crew member,” James argued. “If you go sniffing around in our personal lives and then it turns out it's a stranger doing this, you're just potentially making everyone uncomfortable. And where do you think all that information will end up? I tell you where--the tabloids and that embarrasses our families, our friends, our children. I just don't see where this will do any good.”

D.I. Gaines sat back in his chair and stared at James. “It sounds to me like you have a few secrets you don't want disclosed,” he said, his tone a little sardonic.

“Come on, who doesn't?” Andy replied. “James, Richard, and Jeremy are not choirboys, but they're hardly in Keith Moon territory, either. Any celebrity in England knows when the police start fishing around in personal business, it will eventually end up in the Sun or Radar Online.”

“I try to keep my private life private for good reason,” James continued firmly. I want to be to able to have a life with people I love without wondering if paparazzi are going to be hidden in the bushes when they get home. I’ve given up a good part of my privacy in order to do what I do, and I resent that I'm doing something wrong for wanting to keep the privacy I have left.”

“Right now you have an intern who was apparently assaulted by someone who wants to do you harm,” D.I. Gaines stated angrily. You have the wife of a co-presenter, someone you claim as a friend, who was nearly killed by this person. So excuse me if I hardly give a damn about your offended sensibilities and whether have some deep secret that might come to light in the course of my investigation. In fact,” he added, “I think I’m going to love digging into your life to see what floats to the surface.”

Richard could see James' eyes flash dangerously. It took a lot to get James to genuinely lose his temper and go apeshit, and Richard knew because he’d been guilty of pushing James over the edge a couple of times. If D.I. Gaines forced James into that, there was no telling what James might do to him. “I think you need to knock it off,” Richard said out loud. “Whoever is behind these attacks, it is not James, or Jeremy, or Andy, or me. You have to understand our lives have been pretty much invaded over the past several years, so we all tend to jealously guard what private lives we have. Now if you need to investigate and ask what might be uncomfortable questions, then okay. But I’m not going to be part of a witch hunt. And I’m not going to be cooperative with someone who's acting like he enjoys crawling up our arse with a microscope. Because the last I looked, we were the apparent _victims_ , not the _perpetrators_.”

James said nothing but gave a smug grin. Richard could be unsophisticated and awkwardly simplistic, and his swearing could reach Olympic Level proportions when angry. But there were times when Richard’s directness could be refreshingly eloquent. At that moment, James loved Richard so much he could barely contain himself.

D.I. Gaines cleared his throat formally and started to respond when Carol walked in. Attention was immediately focused on her. “How are you feeling?” Andy asked.

“Well, I don't have a concussion,” she answered softly. “The doctor did suggest I take it easy tomorrow.” 

“That would make sense, with everything you've been through today,” Richard replied, his eyes warm and soft. “You've probably experienced more today than what most of us get in a week.”

“You would be wise to take tomorrow off,” James added. “I have a feeling the pain and stiffness in your head and neck will catch up with you.”

Carol grinned slightly at James. “That is precisely what the doctor told me,” she said. “Were you eavesdropping?”

“No,” James answered. “It was precisely what a doctor in Syria told me when I slammed my head on a rock. And he was right.”

“I will have to know that that story,” Carol stated. “But for now I have to collect my bicycle. It's still at the studio.”

“You won’t be able to ride it home,” Richard told her gently. *Whoever attacked you slashed the tires on your bike.” Carol's face started to fall. “But your bike should fit in the back of my car. I can drive you home.”

James noticed as Carol's green eyes lit up with excitement. But her voice was subdued as she said, “I’d appreciate it, thank you.”

D.I. Gaines, who had been holding back since Carol came back to the waiting room, decided at that moment to reassert himself. “I may have some additional questions for you as the investigation continues,” he said to Carol. “Gentleman, our discussion is far from over. Please notify Mr. Clarkson of that. I trust you will not make things difficult.” He left.

Andy walked ahead with Carol, James and Richard following behind. Richard noticed James was quite tense. “Come on, James,” Richard whispered, trying to keep his voice low. “Gaines is an asshole. And I suspect he’s the type who gets off on how big of an asshole he can make himself. Don't let him get to you.”

“Easier said than done, Hammond,” James replied. “I think he's more interested in digging up shit on us than in actually solving this case. It makes me question who he really works for.”

“I understand,” Richard sighed. “But the more you act like you have something to hide, the more he’s going to dig. If you make him feel like you're going to cooperate, he’ll lose interest in you.”

“Yeah, maybe.” James sounded distracted.

“Something wrong, mate?” Richard asked. 

_Well, yes,_ James thought. _We have some halfwit with a grudge wanting to kill us. There's a D.I. on the case acting like he’s on the fucking payroll to every trashy tabloid in the English-speaking world wanting to expose everything in our private lives, which means you and I are about to receive an outing slightly less massive than if we were caught having sex with each other in front of the Queen on live telly. And it means fuck-all because a young lady named Carol is pretending she's all demure but looks at you like she'd devour you in a second. And in spite of your denials, you are helplessly attracted to her too_. “I’m a bit tired, I guess,” he said aloud. 

Richard nodded. “You poor old man,” he grinned slightly. “I’ll drop Carol off and will be home probably within a few minutes of you.” He walked over to his car, where Carol was waiting and watched as James drove toward home.

***

On the way back to the studio to retrieve the disabled bicycle, both Richard and Carol were quiet. Richard had dismissed James' suspicions of him being attracted to Carol as insecurity. But now here in the car, alone, he started to wonder. Too many times of late he’d noticed Carol's nearly-hypnotic green eyes and enjoyed when Carol would turn her glance upon him. He found himself watching how the light would play on her light brown hair, and while her clothes fit her well they were so slightly loose, which made his imagination run wild speculating on her dimensions.

Richard wondered at this, but at the same time wasn't completely surprised. Before James he had been married, and before Mindy there had been other women. Richard had always loved being with women, never found them unsatisfying sexually. So when he’d found himself all those years ago not only with an attraction to a man like James but experiencing sexual satisfaction and arousal on the same level, Richard had secretly wondered how he would respond if a woman came along again who made him miss women in that way. And for some reason, Carol was flipping the switches. 

For her part, Carol was sitting quietly in the passenger seat. She was noting how many times Richard was sneaking looks at her. Now was the time to play nonchalant. “I really appreciate you doing this for me, Richard,” she said gently.

“It's no problem,” Richard answered. “It's late, both your tires are flat, and you hit your head. I don't ignore head injuries anymore, not with my history.”

“When we get to my house,” Carol said, “I'm going to make you some coffee.” 

“You don't have to do that, Carol.”

“Yes I do. Either make you have some coffee or insist you sleep over. After Barry last night, if something happened to you…”

“Oh, God,” Richard sighed, remembering. “Oh Carol, I'm so sorry. With everything else that's happened today I forgot.”

“It's okay,” Carol replied, sounding a little sad. “I didn't know him very well, but he seemed nice. I sort of know you better than I knew him. So the idea of something happening to you disturbs me.”

Richard glanced over at her. Carol in that moment looked small and unnerved. He wanted to reach over and touch her shoulder in reassurance, but he was fighting himself deep inside. Richard knew it wouldn't end at just a friendly pat on the shoulder, at least on his part. Carol was small and vulnerable and pretty, everything he was telling himself he wanted. It was a safe choice not to touch her, or all would be lost.

They arrived at the studio, where Carol unlocked her bike and viewed the damage. “You're not going to have to spend tomorrow going to cycle shops to buy new tires, are you?” Richard asked.

“I don't think so,” Carol answered. “In this light it only looks as if the air was let out of them, not slashed.” 

As Carol stood she stumbled a bit. Richard grabbed her quickly to keep her from falling. “Oh...whoa! Hang on now,” he said as he lifted her to her feet. Peering down into Carol's face he noticed her skin had flushed slightly, her eyes clear and deep and staring directly into his. Her lips were slightly parted and looked ever so inviting. “Are you okay?” he whispered, his voice not quite sounding like his own. Carol nodded slowly. Richard reached up and brushed hair away from Carol's face, letting his thumb linger across her cheek; Richard had forgotten just how soft a woman's skin could be. “That's enough for you for today, yeah?” he offered, regaining himself. “Go get in the car and I’ll take care of the rest of this, okay?”

Carol sat in the car as Richard loaded the bicycle, every nerve ending on fire, remembering long-forgotten sensations of being inside a woman--the moisture, the softness, the unrelenting heat surrounding him. His brain was at war with himself. For every argument he had to rationalize cheating, there came the argument that it was, in in fact, cheating.

At Carol's home Richard unloaded the bicycle, still unsure of himself. Carol had already unlocked the door and turned on the light when he stepped inside. “I chained up your bike where I’ve seen you park it,” he told her. 

“Thank you, Richard,” Carol answered softly, smiling. “Are you feeling more in need of coffee or tea?” 

“Well, uh, actually I’m feeling quite awake,” Richard replied. “I’ll let you get some rest.”

Carol stepped up to him. “Are you sure?” she asked, her voice low and soft. Before Richard could answer she had his lips trapped in a kiss. Carol put her arms around Richard's neck, her hand cupping the back of his head, as his arms slipped around her waist. Richard felt as if his heart could explode as Carol deepened the kiss, letting her hands explore, revelling in the softness of her skin. It felt wonderful.

In that moment, Richard was ready to throw away every memory of the past few years. Maybe he had finally developed the ability to live a double life. Perhaps he would be forgiven of this one indiscretion considering he’d been faithful all this time. It would be just this once and then his curiosity would be satisfied.

The kiss ended and Carol looked at Richard with eyes a dark, clear green. “Come to the bedroom with me,” Richard,” she whispered sexily. Richard felt hypnotized by her, and it didn't help that his stiffening cock was definitely amenable to Carol's suggestion. Taking his hand, Carol got Richard to actually walk with her up to the threshold of the bedroom. 

Then, suddenly, Richard had one final moment of clarity.

“Wait, Carol.” She paused and looked up him. “I’m sorry, Carol. I can't do this.”

Carol gasped. “What?” she asked.

“Trust me, it's not because I don't want to,” he explained apologetically. “You are a very desirable young woman.”

“But?”

Richard sighed. “I destroyed my marriage by doing this,” he answered, his voice sad. “In my head I kept telling myself the things I’ve been hearing tonight to allow it. 'I’ve never cheated before, so it will be okay.’ 'It's just going to be once.’ 'Once my curiosity is satisfied it will be done.’”

“We can do that, if that's what you want,” Carol argued. “No strings attached.”

Richard shook his head. “I hurt a hell of a lot of people thinking that. And now I’m with someone else, whom I love very much. I promised myself I wouldn't destroy this relationship the way I destroyed my marriage.”

Carol grinned slightly. “Nobody would need to know,” she offered.

“I would know, Carol,” Richard countered. “So as flattered as I am that you want me, and as much as I’d love to take you up on your offer, I just can't. I’m sorry.” Richard walked to the front door and headed outside. Just before closing the door behind him Richard took a glance back at Carol. She stood rooted to the same place, looking stunned.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moral struggle within Richard, Jeremy returns, and special memories lead to more special memories with Richard and James.

The drive home for Richard was torture. More than once he nearly turned around to drive back to Carol's house. He thought of James and how hurt he’d be if he found out. Richard turned on the radio. The song 'Tempted’ by Squeeze was playing: _Tempted by the fruit of another/Tempted but the truth is discovered what's been going on_. Richard turned the radio off. He thought of James some more, resisted trying to imagine Carol writhing beneath him naked, then turned the radio on again. This time the song was 'Into Temptation’ by Crowded House: _Into temptation, knowing full well the earth will rebel/ Into temptation, safe in the wide open arms of hell._ It wasn't until he saw the exit to Hammersmith that Richard started to feel safe from driving back to Carol. A new debate took over Richard's thoughts--whether or not to tell James what happened. On one hand ii would probably upset him; on the other hand, knowing the details would keep from jumping to false conclusions later. He knew if he asked Jeremy for advice what he would tell him:

“First, if there's a possibility that Carol is pregnant, or might go to a reporter and claim she is, or some tabloid has pictures of you two, you have no choice--you have to tell,” he would state gravely. “If not, follow the following two steps. First, bury your secret with a shovel. Second, bury the shovel.” Richard wasn't sure if he really wanted to take this stance. Something about it felt like lying. And it was bad enough when he’d hidden his affair with James from Mindy all that time.

Richard pulled his car into the garage and locked everything behind him. At least the late hour would give Richard a chance to sleep on it a bit. But who was he kidding here? Richard rarely slept when his mind was running.

He let himself into the house as quietly as he could and used the downstairs shower to try and relax his body for sleep. Afterwards he crept upstairs to the bedroom. James was sleeping. Richard stared down at him and wondered how in the world he could even consider fucking things up here with someone else. This was where he belonged and who he belonged with. Carol would have been fun, a lovely distraction, and his attraction to her proved he would always be attracted to women, not to mention flattering to realize women nearly half his age wanted him. But once his curiosity with Carol had been satisfied, what next? Carol would have been off to someone closer in age and he would have nothing.

Richard slipped into bed and watched James’ face. Whatever dream he was having, judging from the movement underneath his closed eyelids and the beatific expression, it appeared to be a good one. Richard fell asleep watching that face, wondering if James had been dreaming of him.

***

Jeremy returned to work a couple of days later. He looked tired and a lot stressed, but he quickly put to rest the proposal to suspend production. His logic was that, given the possibility whoever it was had the goal of stopping the show, to suspend production would be letting them win, and it would give others incentive in the future to indulge in this type of extreme behavior.

D.I. Gaines began the process of obtaining background checks, hoping to find some link to explain the attacks. To his frustration, however, he was discovering the crew were a group of well-advised professionals who cared enough about keeping their jobs to not get in trouble. Many of them were in stable. Long-term relationships, though there were a shocking number of divorces among them. All-in-all, nothing D.I. Gaines could see to explain someone going off the rails, turning on the presenters, and engaging in attempted murder, assault, destruction of property and vandalism. 

This week's filming was greatly anticipated. In the past they had tested hot hatchbacks from their youth, and they’d raced hatchbacks through Italy, ending up at Monte Carlo. Now, they had to choose three hot hatches from the current lot (as long as it wasn't a Fiat) and show up at the track for challenges. James and Richard both loved hatches slightly more than Jeremy, who thought modern hatches were downright brilliant, so the day was promising but be a lot of fun.

The night before, Richard and James had a simple supper of spaghetti and salad and laughed their way through memories of a holiday spent together in Monte Carlo. “Oh God, that yacht party,” Richard sighed with a huge smile. “That has to be on my top 10 list of all-time great parties.”

“Yep,” James nodded, grinning, “almost as wild as that party while we were in the Shan, driving through Burma.”

“But there weren't as many unbelievably gorgeous women hanging all over you at the Burma party, mate,” Richard countered.

“Those unbelievably gorgeous women were there to see you,” James argued.

“And once they met me they wanted to hang out with you,” Richard argued back. “For the life of me, I’ve never got how you just say 'hello’ to women in that voice and get them interested.”

“Interested, yes,” James answered. “Laid, occasionally.” He looked deeply into Richard's eyes. “Belonging to someone? Not until you.” James smiled to himself. “Of course I don't remember much of the night after we left the yacht party.”

Richard laughed. “I'm not surprised,” he replied. “But the next night, in St. Tropez, now _that_ was memorable.”

“Oh yes, it was,” James heartily agreed, loading the dishwasher. “I’ve never thought of a fruit platter the same way since.”

Richard walked over and turned James to face him, his hands on James’ hips. “It was your idea on where to place the fruit,” he smiled wickedly, cocking an eyebrow.

James grinned at him. “You didn't object to being the plate, as I recall.”

“No, I didn't,” Richard agreed. “And you didn't think twice about having to clean your plate, either.”

With a groan James took Richard's hand and placed it on the growing bulge in his jeans. “You're certainly going to be the death of me, Hammond,” he stated, his voice thick and heavy with arousal. He reached down and kissed Richard deeply, letting his tongue explore. Richard moaned as James’ tongue ventured deeper into his mouth. and he pulled James closer to him, his hands on James’ back.

Ending the kiss to catch his breath, Richard stared up at James, his brown eyes nearly black. “Now this is my idea of dessert,” he whispered, taking his hand and leading him into the living room. They stood in the middle of the room together, slowly undressing each other between kisses. James lightly trailed his tongue down the side of Richard's neck, delighting in the feel of Richard trembling in his hands. Richard ran his hands over James’ bare chest, his lips lightly brushing where his fingers had just gone, James gasping with the sensation. 

James lowered Richard to the couch and let his lips lead the way down to his nipples, which he teased while Richard tangled his hands in James’ hair. As James kissed further down, Richard arched his back and passionately moaned James’ name, sending a jolt of desire into James’ spine. James took his time unbuttoning Richard's jeans and removing them, making sure to have his fingertips or nose or hand brush against Richard's erection, still trapped in his briefs. Richard would hiss at the feel of the delicious friction, his hips rising up involuntarily to meet the touch. By the time James removed Richard's briefs and set his cock free, Richard had been reduced to begging helplessly. James stared in wonder at Richard's cock, which had grown a darker shade and was pretty much standing straight up and beginning to leak, such was the intensity of his arousal. James licked lightly over the head, tasting Richard's precum, causing Richard gasp and grip the cushions tightly. James then proceeded to lick up and down Richard's shaft before taking him fully into the mouth. James had gotten considerably better at this than he had been at the beginning, using his imagination to change actions and rhythms, alternating between licking and sucking to drive Richard frantic with desire. James glanced up to watch Richard, thrashing his head from side to side, lost in passion, his hands on James’ head guiding him as he bobbed up and down, moaning louder and louder as his climax approached. James gave a low hum of satisfaction, a sound and vibration he knew would light up all of Richard's pleasure centers, then began sucking hard. Richard cried out as he came in an explosive orgasm, practically sobbing with relief as he spouted into James’ mouth. James kissed his way back up and held Richard close, stroking his scalp as he regained his senses.

Richard stared up at James, his eyes slightly glazed over in his post-orgasmic haze. Then he reached up and kissed James hungrily, caressing his face, letting hands wander down his back. Richard pressed James backward and maneuvered until James was underneath him. The next kiss he gave James was soft and sweet, which he used along the jawline and down the throat, James tilting his head back for better access, sighs of contentment escaping as Richard kissed along his collarbone, hands caressing his chest. Richard kissed and licked his way down James’ stomach while getting his jeans off, taking his time along the pleasure trail. He took the head of James’ cock into his mouth and gently sucked awhile before gradually taking him almost all the way in. Where Richard had been loud and highly expressive in the throes of passion, James turned inward, his cries growing softer, seemingly transported to another place. His face growing more angelic and beautiful to Richard with each passing moment.

James’ breathing changed, Richard knew it was time. James’ hips thrust upwards to meet Richard's mouth as Richard pushed himself firmly down. “Rich…” James breathed softly as he came, his body shaking. Richard swallowed then licked James clean, holding him through the aftershocks.

They lay together on the couch for a long time, content to feel the other next to them. James would occasionally reach down to kiss Richard's forehead, and Richard would reach down to kiss James’ chest. There was nothing either could think of to part them.

Within 24 hours all of that would change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned..


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something very bad happens. Very bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long dark journey in a long dark journey. Be warned.

(Today)

“You know, I’ve gotten very good at recognizing when you two have had some extracurricular activities the night before a filming,” Jeremy said, peering over his glasses at Richard and James. “But you're only 10 minutes late today, which means you two got some sleep last night.”

Richard shrugged. “I’m sure I have no idea what you're talking about,” he said, grinning at James.

“I don't kiss and tell,” James added. “Unless I'm drunk.”

“James, I think the Orangutan is trying to show us how smart it is,” Richard said with a degree of mock wonder.

“Funny,” Jeremy answered, deadpan. “Really funny, coming from a rural simpleton.”

Before Richard could reply, Carol entered carrying a box of coffees and teas to replenish the presenters beverage supply. “Good morning, Carol,” James offered. “How did you manage after the other night?”

Carol took a breath. “You were right about the headache. I went to bed that night feeling a little stiff. The next morning was rough. As you can see, though, I recovered.”

“I heard from Wilman what happened,” Jeremy replied. “Thank God whoever did it was after the security system and not intent on hurting you.” He shook his head.

“Yes,” Carol agreed. “I can't imagine how much damage could have been done to me had someone _really_ wanted to hurt me.” Richard said nothing but shifted uncomfortably, knowing that comment was meant for him.

“Cars are here!” Andy called from outside. 

“Oh good!” Jeremy announced, a genuine smile of glee on his face. James and Richard looked slightly confused. “You have no idea how much I've missed this.”

“I’m going to grab some more coffee,” Richard said to Jeremy and James. “Be with you shortly.” He watched them wandering and then turned to Carol, looking at her sadly. “Can we talk?” he asked softly.

“Unfortunately, we are both incredibly busy for awhile,” Carol answered, trying to sound polite.

Richard nodded. “Later then?”

Carol sighed. “We'll see,” she told him and left.

The filming was fun and silly. The guys were back together for the first time in weeks, and while there was a method to their lunacy, it was one of those shoots where nobody felt like they were actually working. Plus, all three honestly believed they had the best car, no bluster or psychological warfare, and all three cars lived up to their expectations. All-in-all, a dream shoot.

Carol had been busy all morning with her regular duties in Wardrobe. Now it was lunchtime and she saw those who were involved in the shoot walking towards the catering tent. Then she saw Richard and James walking there, a few feet behind Jeremy. They were looking at one another, and when they got to the tent James let Richard enter first. James’ hand seemed to linger in the small of Richard’s back as they went inside and something about that action made Carol wonder.

Carol grabbed a small amount of food and sat off to the side unobtrusively near the exit of the tent and pondered. Richard had said he was with _someone_ and he loved _them_ very much. He’d been very careful in being gender-neutral and she had not noticed the other night. Of course she had followed the tabloid reports of his divorce, but the divorce papers had simply read 'irreconcilable differences’, and since there was no dispute in terms of property, support, or custody, there had been little information to go on. The paparazzi had tried to catch Richard with someone to bolster the tabloid speculation of infidelity in what had been regarded as a long-term stable celebrity marriage, but as they had never caught him out in public with a woman, and nobody had come forward with any claims, the matter was eventually dropped in the celebrity media as yet another long-term celebrity marriage where they simply got bored. But what if...Of course not, Carol told herself. It was clear the other night he desired women. She had kissed him and he physically responded. She had come so very close to luring him to her bed. But someone was already being an obstacle to his happiness. Was it James?

_Richard had finished his lunch, and while Jeremy, James, and Andy remained deep in conversation, he'd gotten up and headed over to Carol. “Can we talk now?” he asked, low enough so only she could hear. “Please?” Silently Carol left the tent and followed Richard to the presenters’ room. Richard closed the door behind her and invited her to sit on the new couch. They sat together in uncomfortable silence for a moment. “Carol, about the other night... I am so very sorry. It should never have happened. You were in a vulnerable state and I wasn't thinking clearly. It wasn't fair to whom I’m with and it's not fair to you.”_

_Carol sighed. “Like I told you the other night,” she answered softly, “there were no strings attached. And I wouldn't go around telling everyone about it. And you just walked out and didn't give me a chance. It just made me feel rejected, like I was some loathsome creature you scrape from your shoes.”_

_“Oh Carol,” Richard sighed. “You're not that way at all. I had to leave the way I did because you would have easily convinced me to stay. Christ, you have no idea how many times I nearly turned back. I fought myself all the way home. Trust me, you are a highly attractive young woman, and it would be so damned easy for me to follow you home after work tonight and take you up on your offer.”_

_Carol smiled. “So why don't you?” she asked._

_“Because I would be hurting people who do not deserve to be hurt,” he told her, his voice sad. “And that includes you. You deserve to be with someone who's available. I’m not available, Carol. And I don't want to be.”_

_Carol wanted to cry and scream, but she needed to hold it together. She knew how important impressions could be, and right now she needed to look gracious and serene. In the long run it would make her more special to Richard, make him more likely to turn to her at a bad moment. “So...no, huh?”_

_Richard shook his head. “No,” he agreed. “ But I am honored. I’m not an old man, but I am of an age where I don't get as many people throwing themselves at me. Especially ones your age. I'm appreciating it more.” Richard paused. “Are we okay?”_

_Carol sighed and shrugged her shoulders. “I guess we are,” she answered. “At any rate I have to get back to work.” She stood up and Richard stood up with her. They held each other at the elbows and for a moment stared into each other's eyes. Richard then reached down and lightly kissed Carol on the cheek. As he started to pull away Carol reached up and softly kissed Richard on the lips. She walked out of the trailer._

_Carol saw James as she came down the steps and she grinned at him. He grinned back, his face calm, but she glanced into his blue eyes and saw he was stricken. In that instant she em >knew_: James was the one Richard was seeing. And James had seen her and Richard together. Whether he had seen them in the window, or he had come in to the presenters’ room without being heard, he had witnessed that kiss. James was going to be a big problem. In more than one way, James May was going to be an obstacle to happiness.

Carol smiled. She knew how to deal with obstacles.

***

There was still about 10 more minutes until rehearsal was to start. And just as Richard was thinking he had 10 minutes to relax, James walked in and locked the door behind him. “What happened the other night, Hammond?” he asked, his voice hard.

Richard's first instinct was to lie, but he knew doing that would be worse. “ It's not what you think, James,” he answered gently.

“Not what I think? Not what I _think?_ ” James was taking deep breaths to stay calm, and it was beginning to not work. “You know, the night I confronted you about Carol and you assured me nothing was going on, I put it all down to my insecurity. I trusted you. Then the other day there were moments that worried me between you and Carol, but given what was going on it would just make me a shithead to question it. Then today I catch you mooning over her during lunch, like she'd ripped your heart out. Suddenly you're nowhere to be found, until I come in here and I see you in here kissing! Now please, lie to me some more and tell me I didn't see that. Tell me everything is my imagination, that I'm just being insecure. Go on, tell me, because apparently I’m enough of a Goddamned idiot to believe you.”

Richard sighed. He had hoped since it had stopped at a kiss he wouldn't have to say anything about Carol. But now it was clearly impossible. “The other night,” he began reluctantly, “the other night...we kissed.” He watched James’ face fall. “I promise you, though, nothing else happened. I left and came home. Because I love you, and I didn't want to fuck up things between us.”

James sat a moment and stared at the floor. “So...if I had not just seen you with Carol, would you have even told me what happened?” he asked. Richard hesitated, and James had his answer. “Of course not,” he muttered. 

Richard knelt before James and stared up to him. “I am so sorry, James. I promise you, the kiss was all that happened, and even that should not have. I get that you're pissed off at me, but don't be angry at Carol.”

“I’m not,” James replied firmly, “because she hasn't lied to me. You have.”

“James, I haven't--”

“ _ **Bullshit!**_ ” James’ blue eyes blazed as he spat the word, forcing Richard to shut up quickly. “You didn't tell me, and you had no intention. In case you haven't figured that out yet, you fucking nitwit, that's considered a lie.” James stormed for the door.

“James,” Richard whispered, “I love you.”

James stopped in his tracks but didn't look at Richard. “I love you, too,” he answered back, his voice strained. “But you're moving into the guest room until I sort some things out. And if I find out you’ve lied to me any more, you'll be moving into your own place.” He slammed the door behind him.

***

Andy was simply trying to get through the rest of the day as fast as he could. It had started so perfectly, with one of the best shoots in years. At lunch everyone was riding a wave of camaraderie and fun and accomplishment. Then, after lunch, It had gone bad. Like eating food that had gone slightly off and now the effects were showing themselves. Richard had gone off after lunch and then James had gone to look for him. Once James found him, that's when it all hit the fan. Richard looked upset and subdued, James looked infuriated, and Jeremy, who had been away and was just trying to readjust, was thrown into the position of being the peacekeeper. 

After the umpteenth miss of a cue where Richard was to start the intro of a new segment, James had reached his breaking point. “Hammond,” he grumbled, “I think everyone here, especially me, would greatly appreciate it if you would learn your cues and not just your lines. It would make rehearsals go much faster.”

Richard, who had endured various glares and eye rolls from James since their discussion earlier, decided enough was enough. “Oi!” he snapped. “Why don't you shut it on the passive aggressive bullshit and concentrate on your part of the segment?”

“I would love to,” James snapped back. “But we can't seem to get to my part, because you can't seem to remember the fucking cue to your own part!”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” Jeremy finally bellowed. “Both of you stop behaving like 6-year-olds and let's get through this!” 

“Shove it up your arse, Clarkson!” James replied testily. “Like you haven't delayed enough rehearsals in your time!”

Andy's voice from the booth put a halt to everything: “Crew, we’re going to be taking an unexpected 15 minute break right now. Meanwhile, the Three Stooges will be joining me for a meeting in the presenters room. And if they value their lives, much less their jobs, they will be there before I get there.”

When he met them in the presenters room very soon after, Andy was even more direct: “I don't want to hear about your lovers quarrels,” he stated. “I don't want to hear how you didn't get a good night's sleep. I don't even want to hear how your hemorrhoids are acting up. I don't usually put my foot down like this, but today you have forced me. This shit is going to stop, and it is going to stop **now** , or I’m going to be looking for three new presenters. Now, when we go back in there after the break, we’re going to finish this rehearsal. Then we’re all going to go home and work on what needs to be fixed here. Understood?” Without waiting for a reply Andy left.

Jeremy waited a couple of beats before standing up. “I don't think I can top that,” he said simply and left James and Richard alone.

There was icy silence between them for a moment. “I'll have my things moved into the guest room before I go to bed tonight,” Richard finally said, his voice flat. “And if you wish, I’ll start looking for a flat this week.”

“That's up to you, Hammond,” James sighed. Richard's glance flashed on shock and hurt, followed by him slamming the door behind him as he left. James leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes. He couldn't believe how quickly things could change. Last night he and Richard were content, today they're in trouble. Of course James could bend and tell Richard he changed his mind about banishing him to the guest room. But no, he knew he couldn't bend on this. If his choice was between letting Richard cheat on him and being alone the rest of his life--and by no means did he think the kiss the other night had stopped at a kiss--then he’d choose loneliness. Otherwise Richard would would do it again, and lie about it to his face.

“Excuse me?” James opened his eyes and saw Carol standing at the foot of the couch, a cup in her hand. “I’m sorry to bother you, but I was sent to tell you you're wanted back in 5 minutes.”

“Oh. Thank you, Carol.” He sat up. 

“I was noticing that you appear to be off-colour,” Carol continued. James glanced at her sidelong. “It's just that stress can run down your natural defenses and make you sick. So I brought you some herbal tea. It actually tastes really good considering. There are things in it to help boost your immune system. I've also heard it can supposedly sober someone up if they’ve been out drinking.”

James politely took the cup from Carol and tentatively took a sip. His eyes opened wide in surprise and he smiled. “That's actually pretty good,” he told her. “I'm staggered.” He drained the rest of the cup and actually started feeling better. “Would you happen to have more?”

Carol smiled. “I do,” she answered.

“I'd love to have another big cup of this, please,” James replied. “If you can bring it to me in the studio I’d be thankful.”

“Of course.”

A few minutes later Carol approached James and gave him a fresh mug of the herbal tea He gave her a smile as he took the cup and took a big swallow  
James couldn't believe he was actually enjoying herbal tea this much--it seemed the more he drank, the more he wanted it. In spite of his feelings toward Carol at this point over Richard, James reminded himself to ask about getting more. But rehearsal was starting up again, so he’d have to sip what he had left.

This part of rehearsal went well, all three of them realizing if Andy was yelling at them about their behavior it must have been pretty bad indeed. James was still pissed at Richard, and James knew Richard was still pissed at him, while Jeremy was frustrated and just wanted to go home. But James figured the sooner they finished, the sooner they could leave and be away from the ones irritating them.

The last segment they were rehearsing was the news, which allowed them to sit down. James was rather thankful for that, because, whether from stress or hunger or a combination, he was starting to feel quite strange. He took another sip of the tea and felt marginally better for a moment. Then the room started to spin a little.

“May?” Jeremy was staring at him. “Are you alright?”

James started to say no, in fact he was starting to feel quite unwell, when his breath hitched. There was a bitter taste in the back of his throat.

“What's wrong, James?” Richard asked. His eyes had gone wide and he looked decidedly frightened. “Wilman! Get somebody!”

James couldn't speak and he was having real trouble breathing. He stared at Richard, silently begging for help. He couldn't imagine what was wrong with him. He was feeling fine, simply enjoying the tea…

The tea.

James stared at the mug and it all came to him in a blinding, horrifying flash. There was something in the tea Carol gave him. Carol had done it all somehow. She'd attacked Jeremy, now him. Richard was next. He had to be warned. “Rich…” he barely managed to breathe. Then he crashed to the floor.

“ _ **JAMES!**_ ” Richard cried out, rushing over to where James lay on the floor unconscious, barely breathing. “Oh God, James. Hold on,” he whispered, running his hand through James’ soft gray hair. “Help is coming.” Everyone seemed to be rooted to the spot in shock. “Andy! Help!”

Andy came running in with the paramedics, pushing Richard aside. They began working intently on James, asking rapid-fire questions, listening to his breathing and heartbeat. Richard heard them say his breathing was laboured, he needed help. “Please hold on, James,” Richard whispered desperately. He glanced over to Jeremy, who looked every bit as scared as Richard felt. Andy was suddenly showing the paramedics James’ cup and they were taking it and sniffing, pulling their noses away quickly. They poured what was left into a sample jar, placing the cup into a bag.

Richard saw more paramedics running in with a stretcher, loading James on, placing an oxygen mask over his face. All Richard could hear was his own heartbeat hammering in his ears. Andy tried to tell him something, so did Jeremy, but he couldn't hear them. What he did hear was a paramedic saying James needed to be airlifted, his condition was precarious, the earlier he got to hospital the better chance he had. The paramedics were rushing Richard outside and putting him into the helicopter with James. Then they were suddenly off the ground. Richard was sitting just behind James’ head. As the helicopter lifted he leaned over to whisper in James’ ear.

“You're flying, mate, you're flying,” he said. “You've always loved to fly. Can you feel it now?” Then he leaned back and shut his eyes, trying to hide his welling tears. Richard wasn't sure why he didn't want the paramedics to see his tears. He was certain loved ones cry all the time at times like this. He was sure paramedics see the full range of emotions in a helicopter as someone is life-flighted. But he just couldn't do it.

Halfway to the hospital, a series of beeps and alarms began. “Far corner!” a paramedic ordered, pointing at Richard. He dove to the other side as he heard the other paramedic announce, “He’s not getting any oxygen.” 

“We'll have to intubate,” the first paramedic said. “Hurry, or we’ll lose him. He’s crashing.”

“God, no,” Richard muttered. James was dying right in front of him, and there was nothing he could do to help. “Please, God,” he whispered. “James doesn't deserve this. Please give him the strength to fight.” The paramedics were talking animatedly to the hospital as they got the breathing tube I'm and the alarms stopped. Richard breathed a sigh of relief, but he knew this was a temporary victory, it was only the beginning. They still didn't even know what was wrong.

The helicopter landed and the paramedics got James unloaded quicker than Richard thought possible. He ran behind the stretcher to the elevator. His heartbeat was back to roaring in his ears, muting all other noise. Then they were running again down a long hall, a nurse waiting to let them in. But she wouldn't let Richard follow, telling him to wait in the waiting room, he would be given update.

He wouldn't see James again for a long while.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Comfort comes from an unexpected source.

The first to show up in the waiting room was Jeremy and Andy, who must have broken the English Land Speed record to get there as quickly as they did. They found Richard alone, shaking all over, his eyes red and brimming with tears. “They won't let me go in there,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper, his eyes wide. “I’m not family, so they won't let me go in.”

“I rang up James’ family on the way here,” Andy told him. “They'll be here soon, and they will add you to the list.” He got up. “I'm going to talk to hospital administration about the media. The last thing his parents need is to be bombarded when they arrive. And I want them to leave you alone, too,” he added, pointing at Richard. “Right now you're in no fit state to deal with them.”

“I don't care about reporters right now,” Richard sighed. I just need to know about James. Why hasn't anyone come out and told me anything?”

“ It's going to be okay, Hammond,” Jeremy tried to reassure him. “They have to figure out what's wrong with him, then they can work on him.”

Richard sat back in his chair. Jeremy had always admired Hammond's bravery, even though there were times it bordered on recklessness. It was due to admiring his courage over the years that Jeremy could tell when Richard was genuinely scared. And right now he was terrified. “He came close to crashing on the way here,” Richard said, his voice sounding small. “They had to intubate him to save his life.”

Richard failed to notice Jeremy had sent a text. Knowing Richard was inexperienced in situations where he had to wait for medical news, Jeremy texted the one person he knew could keep Richard sane during this time--Mindy. Hopefully she could get here quickly. “Rich, James is a strong man,” Jeremy said. And he loves you. God knows why, but he does. The last thing he’s going to do is simply give up and leave you.” 

Richard shook his head. “I don't know about that,” he replied, then drew a heavy, wet sigh, covering his eyes with his hands. A moment later Jeremy noticed Richard's shoulders were shaking and knew he was crying. “God, you have no idea,” he replied, his voice trembling. “I fucked up, Jezza, I really fucked up.” From there Richard told him what happened with Carol, and how James reacted when he saw them earlier.

When Richard finished telling his tale, Jeremy drew a deep breath. “In terms of fucking up, Hammond, I’ve done worse. Hell, _you've_ done worse. Yeah, James is pissed, and he’s right to be pissed at you. But if he had to put it all in perspective, I’m sure he’d like to be sitting here with you instead of what he’s going through right now.” Richard wiped his eyes. “He’s going to get through this, I know he is.”

The nurse Richard met earlier came into the room. “Please come with me,” she whispered to him. Richard got up and followed her through the doors into the emergency area, then into another private room. He spent a moment alone, then a doctor came in.

“Mr. Hammond?” Richard nodded. “I'm Dr. Lewis. I understand you came in with Mr. May.”

“What's happened to James?” Richard asked. “Do you know what's wrong?”

Dr. Lewis sighed heavily. “We don't know for certain yet,” he answered. “But we have reason to believe Mr. May has been poisoned.” 

Richard staggered backward. “Poisoned?” he whispered. “Can you save him?”

“We don't know,” Dr. Lewis answered, shaking his head. “We are running tests of the liquid and the mug to isolate the poison used, but these things can take time. And in the meantime the poison can continue to work, which can cause his organs to fail.” Richard's large eyes grew even wider and he put his hand over his mouth to suppress a cry. “I'm telling you this because the paramedics said you flew in with him, so they figure you two are close,” he continued. “We are doing what we can, but at this point we have to be realistic. I think it's important to prepare everyone.”

Richard felt the tears welling in his eyes. “Can I... can I see him?”

“He’s being moved to Intensive Care right now,” Dr. Lewis answered. “You can see him shortly.”

Richard walked down the hall with the nurse, his head spinning with shock and grief. He didn't want to get to the waiting room, because he’d have to tell everyone and then it would be real. He wanted none of this to be real. He wanted to be suddenly shaken awake by James to find it was early morning and they had to get to the studio to start filming. He knew, however, that wasn't going to happen, because this day had been real, every horrifying moment of it.

He reached the waiting room and stepped inside. There were several more crew members who had shown up. Andy had returned. Jeremy stood up. “He’s in ICU,” Richard managed to get out. “James was poisoned... it doesn't look good.”

***

James’ parents showed up at the ICU an hour later and when they saw Richard they pulled him immediately into an embrace. He managed to hold himself together but all he really wanted to do was go to some quiet corner and come undone. The Mays made sure Richard was listed as a family member, and he escorted them to James to sit with him. When others wanted to sit with him, Richard would go to the private waiting room the hospital set up. Different new faces would greet him there, all wanting to know the same things: How was James? Was there any change to his condition? When was the last time Richard slept? Did he want anything to eat? Richard heard the same questions over and over. And he felt less inclined to answer them every time he heard them. 

Jeremy watched Richard and realized he was quickly heading to the same dark place James had been in last year when Richard was trapped on the mountain and the chances of coming off alive were fading. Jeremy had strayed into that area when Francie got hurt, a place of fear, and rage, and deep sadness. In that place you pull up feelings of guilt over things you did or didn't say, wondering if you said 'I love you’ and really meant it, whether you’ve spent time with them or if they felt neglected. Richard was spending less and less time talking to everyone around him while his eyes were showing a growing desperation. As he had last year, Jeremy had started to fear the loss of both his friends if James couldn't recover. Last year it had been fear James would succumb to grief. Not so with Richard. What would get him would be rage and a desire for vengeance knowing someone had poisoned James. And knowing that Richard was a good man at the end of the day, that rage would destroy him. 

So it was when Jeremy got the chance to pray unobtrusively, he not only asked God to heal James, he needed God to watch over Richard, in essentially the same way Richard had been watched all his life.

As the hour drew late visitors left with the promise of returning tomorrow. James’ parents, along with Andy went to a nearby hotel. Richard sat with James, watching helplessly. James had been placed in a medically induced coma to slow the progression of the poison, but it was a risk; there was no way to know how much damage had occurred inside, whether the combination of that damage with the sedation would cause his organs to fail. Richard wondered if the depths of his despair was what James had felt after his accident. Or if Mindy had felt this scared. All he knew for sure was James was lying comatose, monitors and tubes attached to him, because someone wanted him dead. Someone wanted this sweet, gentle, brilliant, funny man who Richard loved with all his heart to die. How could anyone want him dead?

Richard held James’ hand in his and stroked it, occasionally lifting it to gently kiss it. At the moment he didn't care who saw him do this, a picture of him kissing James’ hand could be the front of every tabloid in England tomorrow for all it mattered. This was _James_ lying here, barely alive, and it shouldn't be. “I know you can hear me,” he said gently. “You need to hang on until the doctors can help you, and then let them help you to come back.” Richard flashed on moments of him together with James: the sunset and moonrise in Botswana, their first kiss in the Norwegian snow, laughing together with Jeremy during challenges, nights making love and not wanting to let go of each other. Richard hadn't noticed he was crying until a tear fell and hit his arm. “I love you, James,” he said, his voice breaking. “I belong to you. If you left me I wouldn't know what to do. Please don't leave.”

A nurse came in and had to work on James, so she asked Richard to leave for a few minutes. He stepped outside, feeling very much alone. There, by the door, stood Mindy. She walked up to him, her face telling Richard she understood exactly what he was thinking. “Oh, Mind…” he sighed as they embraced, his head dropping onto her shoulder. Mindy could feel her shoulder becoming wet, but she knew he’d be embarrassed for her to see him cry, so she stood there and just let him. After a moment he raised up and quickly wiped his eyes. 

“How is he?” Mindy asked.

“He’s not good,” Richard answered with a shake of his head. “They’ve put him into a coma, but…”. Mindy nodded.

“Jeremy's been giving me updates,” she said. “The news outlets are saying James took I'll... Oh, Rich, who would want to hurt him?” 

“The same sick person who wants to hurt all of us,” Richard answered. “Where are the girls?” 

“They’re safe,” Mindy told him. “Poor Willow wanted to come with me. She adores James so much.”

Richard sighed. “I hate to say no to the girls, especially Willow, but we can't risk it,” he replied. “Not until this bastard is caught and dealt with. I don't want Iz and Willow in danger.”

Suddenly Dr. Lewis came through the doors. “Mr. Hammond, the lab has confirmed the poison in Mr. May's tea and we can begin treatment,” he announced. “I have to warn you, though, we are far from being out of the woods. There could be side effects from the antitoxin, and there is no way of knowing, even if we're in time to save him, if the poison hasn't permanently damaged his organs. Even if we rid his body of the poison, he may not have much of an existence. We won't know, however, until we try to bring him out of the coma.”

“You have to try,” Richard whispered, his eyes large and sad. “Do it.”

“I’m going to stay here with you, Rich,”Mindy told him as Dr. Lewis went back to the ICU. “It's best to have someone with you who's gone through something like this.”

“Thanks Mind,” he smiled at her in gratitude. “I need to call James’ parents and update them. Where's Jezza?”

“He’s handling the press,” Mindy answered. “He’s doing what he did when you…” her smile faded. “The reporters are everywhere downstairs. I think James will be as shocked as you were when you found out how big of a deal it was.”

“I hope he gets to find that out,” Richard said, his voice faltering. He turned away.

Mindy affectionately placed her hand on Richard's shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “Rich, you're not alone,” she said tenderly. “If there's one thing I learned when I was where you are, it was that. I was allowed to be strong for you because so many others were there to be strong for me. A lot of them are the same people. So if you need some time to take a nap because you haven't slept for two days, or a bite to eat because a nurse says you need to eat, or if you just need a few minutes to have some tea and fall apart, we have your back.” Richard didn't turn around or speak, he simply put his hand on Mindy’s hand, resting on his shoulder. After a moment Richard went to call James’ parents and Mindy went to sit with James.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James finds himself in a strange and scary place, Gaines gets a lecture, and Richard gets a warning from Mindy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a short chapter to keep you occupied while I get the new chapter ready for posting  
> That promises to be long, so be patient.

James knew where he was even though the surroundings were a bit strange. He wondered how he got here. One moment he was in the studio with Jeremy and Richard, next moment he was...here. The sky was black, clouds scudding across to reveal gaps that only made the sky less black. The rain was soaking and every now and then he heard a rumble of thunder. Crosses marked this area, lots of crosses.

James was standing on the Campione del Muerti in Bolivia, the one place on Earth that held the most terror. James was terrified of heights, and during their trip to South America this was the place that gave him pause. The only way he would manage to drive on this road was to concentrate on the road itself. If his glance managed to catch the drops that plunged hundreds of feet, he’d come close to throwing up. Then the alternator went bad and his battery failed. The only thing that got him through to the other side was…

Richard. Dear Richard. He’d stayed with him, knowing his phobia of heights, knowing it would be better for himself and James to look like idiots on television than James having a nervous breakdown and possibly driving off the road to his death. James had loved Richard for that so deeply he could never find the words for it. 

For the moment, though, what James knew was he was in a very strange place and he was alone. He pushed himself against the rock wall, as far from the edge as he possibly could go. He didn't know what to do.

The wind picked up so he almost didn't hear the voice: “James! Can you hear me?”

“Richard?” James called. “Where are you?”

“Above you,” he answered. “I can barely see you. Climb up.”

“I can't,” James replied. “I can't move.”

“Yes you can,” Richard argued. “I can't climb down to you, so you're going to have to climb up.” 

James turned and tried to look up the rock wall. “I can't see you,” he said.

“I'm here,” Richard reassured him. “Just follow my voice.”

James lifted his arm to place it on the rock above him. Then he stopped. “Maybe I should wait until it's light,” he suggested.

“James, you can't stay there,” Richard called to him. “You're going to have to trust me. I won't let you fall. Come on.”

More than anything James wanted to climb. He really did. But he’d driven this road. He knew how easy it would be to fall. There was a reason this road was known as the most dangerous road in the world. All those crosses weren't there to make the road look pretty. And as he thought, he heard cracking. He heard the sound of pebbles loosening and sliding.

He saw the road collapsing…

***

Richard spent the night holding James’ hand, whispering to him, not sleeping. Work had started on neutralizing the poison James had invested, but it was too early to tell if they were in time. His vital signs were holding steady, however, even if there was a question of what would happen should they try to wean James from the respirator.

D.I. Gaines showed up, demanding to speak to Andy, Jeremy, and Richard.   
Andy and Jeremy subjected themselves to more questioning. When he started demanding Richard be brought out of ICU to answer questions, then got obnoxious over their reluctance to immediately comply, it was all Andy could do to keep Jeremy from shoving Gaines’ head in a toilet. He’d especially taken exception to D.I. Gaines’ continued assumptions that they were covering for each other, and they should be really proud they’d put one of their group in the ICU, if not the morgue.

Once he’d calmed Jeremy down sufficiently, Andy pulled D.I. Gaines aside. “You have to understand something,” he started softly. “These three men are quite close. Best mates, really, even if they sometimes fight each other. But you don't try to come between them, or turn one against the others. We're all taking what's happened to James very hard, and the one who's taking it the hardest is Richard. So if I were you, when you get the chance to question Richard, I’d take a less-aggressive stance. Because if you try to accuse him of trying to poison James for no apparent reason, in his current state of mind he might be tempted to throw you out a window. And I might be tempted to let him.”

“Is that a threat?” D.I. Gaines asked?

Andy sighed. “Sir, you have plenty of suspects to eliminate before you start focusing your attention on these three as anything other than victims,” he answered. “You do remember we have _victims_ here, right?”

“Of course,” D.I. Gaines grumbled. “And we have eliminated several suspects from consideration. I would warn you the more suspects we eliminate, the more likely it becomes that we’ll start treating our three victims here as suspects. And if you think I’m being harsh now, just wait until all other suspects have been eliminated and it's down to those three.” He left to visit the lab to discuss their findings.

Meanwhile in the ICU Richard continued to sit with James. There were no apparent changes and Richard continued to hold his hand, hoping for some imperceptible movement. James’ hands were always so lovely. Richard would always watch James play the piano, admiring the way his hands would glide over the keyboard. James would touch the keys the same way he’d touch Richard--sensitive but firm, supple fingers with a hidden strength. What Richard wouldn't give right now for James to simply caress his hand with those fingers. Before he knew it tears had filled his eyes again, the way they had since James was brought here.

Mindy walked in and caressed Richard's back. “Dr. Lewis is worried about you, Rich,” she whispered softly. “He wants you to get some sleep before you end up having a heart attack.” Richard glanced up at her suspiciously. “That's what he said,” she told him.

“Like I've never gone without sleep before,” he grumbled.

“I know you want to be by his side,” Mindy told him. “I was that way with you. But I was finally ordered by your doctor to sleep. Dr. Lewis is doing that now. He doesn't like the level of stress you're under, with no rest or food. James is not going anywhere, so a couple of hours away won't hurt.”

“Mind…” Richard sighed. “Mindy, I can feel him here, waiting. He’s trying to fight, but he’s weak. He needs me here to help him.”

Mindy took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Richard, he’s going to be in need of your help later,” she answered. “He may have to have you care for his needs for awhile. Cooking for him, cleaning for him, taking medication, physical therapy. That is when you're going to need all your strength. You won't have that if you don't take care of yourself now.” 

Richard sat a moment, staring at James. Everything Mindy said had made sense, even if he didn't like it. “I know you're tired,” he whispered to James. “I'm tired, too. So just find a place to rest a bit while I take a nap, then we'll both feel better.” Kissing James’ hand, Richard stood up and followed Mindy out to the waiting room, where pillows and blankets were waiting for him.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James finds himself climbing, Richard has another moment with Carol, Carol makes a startling confession, and Mindy is being watched.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Between transcribing and the Olympics on TV it's taken a bit to post this. 
> 
> On a personal note, I can't stress the importance of families to discuss things like life support and drawing up a Living Will. It is something that is very helpful to loved ones in times of great stress like I have in this chapter to have instructions. If it's legal where you are--assuming there are readers outside North America--do yourself a favor. 
> 
> (mentioned because I mention Living Wills in this chapter)

Richard slept deeply, his body and mind closer to their limits than he dared to imagine. While he slept Andy went to the studio and retrieved James’ iPod and speakers, thinking James might want to hear some music. Meanwhile Jeremy drove to Hammersmith and grabbed fresh clothes for Richard. “I hope you're able to see this somehow, May,” he chuckled sadly. “I am in your front hallway, removing my shoes to go upstairs.” Somehow he felt it disrespectful to keep his shoes on, even though James wasn't home.

Mindy sat with James in the ICU, and like Richard feeling like James was present and simply trying to come back to the waking world. “I know you're here,” she whispered to him. “James, I know things are so different now with us, but I never blamed you for what happened. Richard loves you, much more than he knows. And Willow...oh God. That's why you have to get better. You can't disappoint Willow. And Richard would be completely lost without you.”

In the waiting room Richard woke up, wondering how long he’d slept. He felt groggy but strangely energized. As he was standing to stretch Jeremy walked in with a gym bag and something in a paper bag. “Sleeping Beauty has decided to join us,” he announced. “Pity the beauty sleep part hasn't worked.”

“Funny,” Richard answered. “Where've you been?”

“Getting you some clothes,” Jeremy said. “You have enough for a few days. And I remembered toiletries and hair care products.”

“You should have woken me up,” Richard replied, starting to rummage through the bag dubiously. 

“There was no waking you,” Jeremy replied. “You were out. And I have seen enough of what you wear to know what to grab from the closet.”

“Thanks,” Richard answered. “What's in the other bag?”

“Breakfast. And some tea. Dr. Lewis pulled Mindy and me aside for a lecture. He made it clear you are to eat and sleep. And if you won't, he’ll limit the hours you can visit. So eat, wash up, change clothes, and meanwhile I'll go relieve Mindy. She's been sitting with May all this time.” 

“She has?” Richard asked. Jeremy nodded. “So I take it--”

“There's no change,” Jeremy reported. “It's like he’s waiting for something.”

***

Jeremy and Andy were busy trying to juggle giving the news media what they wanted in terms of news about James. At the same time they were aware the police investigation needed certain facts to remain secret. Above all they were trying to keep Richard and James’ personal relationship private and prevent an accidental outing. The hospital staff were willing accomplices to protecting everyone--the last thing they wanted were other patients being harassed by reporters wanting a scoop. So Jeremy would offer daily updates to the crowd outside, with the understanding of some privacy in exchange.

In the ICU, Richard continued to sit by James’ bedside, whispering to him, holding his hand. Richard now felt the need to tell James stories of how he felt during the time before they’d become lovers. He wasn't sure if he’d told James half of he told him now, but somehow Richard hoped something would find its way to James’ heart, to let him know how deeply he was loved, to give him the strength to keep fighting. He wanted James to understand, even during that time of confusion within himself, that his feelings had become deeper than friendship, years before that night in Norway.

Dr. Lewis walked in. “I think it's time,” he announced, “to try to bring James out of his coma. Now we’ll see if he can survive.”

***

The road had started collapsing as James watched, and it was approaching quickly. He had to start climbing or he’d fall into oblivion. Even then he was almost too late, feeling the ground fall out from under his feet as he leapt, holding tight to the rock above him for dear life. He pulled himself up until he found a foothold, which allowed him to push himself up further to the shelf. He was out of breath and needed a moment before continuing.

“James?” Richard called down to him.”Come on James.”

“Rich, I’m not as strong as you,” James replied, panting.

“I know,” he answered. “That's why I'm here. And so is Jezza, and Andy, and your parents, and Mindy. We're all here to help you climb. Come on.” James spotted a foothold, nearly step-shaped, and above there was another shelf. This James handled easily. Indeed there was a section that was effortless and James tackled it. But then he got tired, and the climb became difficult. He began to sweat, more and more of his strength was needed to pull himself up to the next shelf. Finally he slumped down on a ledge. “James,” Richard called. “Come on. Keep climbing.”

James shook his head, staring at the ledge in defeat. “I can't.”

“But you're so close,” Richard argued. “You can't stop now.”

“I'm not as strong as you,” James repeated. “If I keep trying to climb right now, i’ll fall. Just give me some time to rest, please.” With that he shut his eyes and fell asleep.

***

“I'm not liking what I'm seeing,” Dr. Lewis said to Richard and the Mays around lunchtime. “Bringing James out of the medically induced coma was bound to create some instability in his vital signs as he began to return. But his vitals are troubling and it is a possible sign of organ damage.”

There was heavy silence. “What does that mean?” Richard asked, trying to keep his voice calm. 

Dr. Lewis scratched his head. “The human body is a complex instrument,” he said. “From what I remember reading of your accident, you, Mr. Hammond, should know that better than most. Some organs are capable of regenerating themselves, assuming they were healthy beforehand. Unfortunately, though, if we are looking at significant damage, it could be permanent. That leads to a number of issues, like transplantation. It could lead to long-term medical assistance. Not to mention a short lifespan.

“So what do we do _now?_ ” Richard asked.

“As I see it, you have two choices,” Dr. Lewis answered. “One choice would be to continue to bring James out of the coma. The risk in doing so would be if he awakes but his organs are badly damaged, he could be too weak to to place him back in the coma if needed. It would kill him. The other choice would be to keep him in the coma, but that would mean ultimately watching him die. If there is damage to the organs he would eventually weaken and die without regaining consciousness.” He stood. “This is a decision for his loved ones to explore  
I'll leave you to it.”

When Dr. Lewis left, James’ mother turned to Richard. “When you had your accident, Richard, James wrote a Living Will,” she said. “Did he tell you?” 

“Yes,” Richard answered softly. “He shared it with Jeremy and me after he wrote it. He figured an accident during filming would be the most likely event to put him on permanent life support.” He shook his head sadly. “James could never have foreseen this.”

“But does the Living Will apply here?” James’ father asked. “It's one thing if James had an accident, or a stroke. We would be deciding whether we should let Nature take its course. In this case, we’re deciding whether to enable a murder. And it’s my son. I don't know if I can do that.”

“The murder may have already happened,” Richard answered. “His organs may already be too badly damaged to let him survive much longer. I guess the question we’d have to answer is if James would want to be aware that he’s dying, if he wakes up at all.”

After several minutes Richard approached Dr. Lewis. “We want to wake James,” he announced softly. “If James is dying, he’d want to know.”

“Very well, we’ll continue,” Dr. Lewis replied.

***

James’ parents decided to sit in the ICU with their son for awhile. Richard shared the news with everyone, then decided he needed some time alone. The decision to continue bringing James out of the coma, an action that would potentially kill the man he loved, was weighing on him, to the point he could feel a “falling apart moment” coming on. Richard wandered down the hallway, past the elevator, hoping to find a corner in which to collapse. Then he found a nondescript wooden door, partially open. The sign read “chapel”. Richard sighed. He was never specifically religious, even though he always liked to think God existed--in fact he thought many events in his life could only be explained by the existence of God. But adding up to a finite set of beliefs leading to a particular denomination? Hardly. Right now, though, he saw a quiet room where he could be alone.

He went inside and did indeed find himself alone in the room. There were a few pews, a modern stained glass window behind the altar rail and a font for holy water if needed. Sitting in the back, Richard thought how James might find it beautiful. And that is when the torrent began. In seconds Richard found himself weeping desperately in grief of who he was likely losing. He had never really had to fear being parted from someone he so deeply loved, especially when there was little he could do about it. He wept until he could regain some control of himself, then he found himself praying. Richard didn't know if he was praying the right way or not, he simply begged God to help James to heal, to spare his life, to give him strength to fight back. And he prayed that the one who hurt James would be caught and face the justice they deserve.

When Richard left the chapel he still felt fragile, but at least a bit stronger than before. As he rounded the corner he saw Carol stepping off the elevator. “Hello, Richard,” she announced, her voice small. “How is he?” Richard started to answer, but felt the lump in his throat growing again. “Oh, Richard, I feel awful,” she said softly. “D.I. Gaines came to see me. He told me the tea was poisoned. I gave him the tea, Richard.”

“What?” Richard asked, his eyes widening.

“I didn't know anything was wrong with it,” Carol answered. “He just looked pale and tired. I offered him the tea to boost his immune system. And then he wanted more of it. I simply thought he liked the taste.” Carol's eyes brimmed with tears. “I got so upset... I gave D.I. Gaines the tea bags I had left.”

“So... someone tampered with the tea at the studio…” Richard whispered.

Carol nodded. “Nobody asked for more tea except him,” she said. “For all I know, all the other tea in the presenters room was tampered with as well. I could have poisoned all of you. Oh God, Richard, I’m so sorry.”

Does D.I. Gaines have the tea from the presenters room?” Richard asked.

Carol nodded as tears spilled down her cheeks. “I think so, yes. Richard if he doesn't recover, I don't think I could forgive myself--”

Richard shook his head and placed a finger over Carol's lips to quiet her. Carol looked up into Richard's dark, sad eyes. “Don't,” he whispered, his face registering his heartbreak. Carol placed her hand on his cheek to comfort him, then kissed the other cheek. Richard's head dropped and Carol held him, let him wrap his arms around her and pull her tightly against him.

“I’m here for you,” she whispered gently, breathing into Richard's neck, feeling him shiver as her warm breath hit sensitive points as he planted kisses along the top of her shoulder. Richard lifted his head and looked into her eyes. “Let me comfort you, Richard,” she said to him. “I'll be anything you need.” Carol ran her fingers through Richard's hair, watching him close his eyes and revelling in her touch. Still with eyes closed, Richard's lips found hers and the kiss was full of need. Not sexual need, though the longer the kiss lasted the more urgent and less tender it would become. This was a need for comfort, a need for the world to be normal, anger and lust and fear all in one.

Carol felt Richard suddenly tense up and he let go of her, taking a step backward. He shook his head at her, silently telling her again this was wrong, that she was not who he wanted. “I have to get back to James,” he said, quickly walking down the hallway.

Carol smiled. She knew now her ultimate plan would work.

***

James wasn't sure how long he'd been asleep on that ledge, but at least now he felt a bit stronger. He’d climbed a long way already, and looking up he'd expected to see the top ledge--Richard’s voice had been so _close_ before. Instead it appeared the cliff had stretched itself while he slept. He could see a couple of small figures staring down at him that vaguely looked like his parents, but they were too far away to hear them. James knew he needed to start climbing. He found the first step up, then the first foothold.

The climb went like this for awhile--step, handhold, step, handhold. Sometimes the next step or handhold wasn't easy to see. Once found, though, there was little struggle to reach it. As he continued to climb he began to hear music, a piece by Beethoven he liked to play for Richard. James heard the piano soaring in from overhead, recognized as the famous moment of the Pathetique sonata, and smiled. He could certainly climb to this music.

Time seemed to not exist here. James continued to climb slowly. In this section he could hardly stop, as he had no ledge on which to stop and rest. At least at this point he wanted to keep going anyway, not feeling the least tired. Something in him now was telling him he had to do whatever he could to get to the top as soon as possible. James couldn't really explain it, he just felt something was telling him he was coming to the end, if he stopped for too long again he’d find the cliff was 10 times as high.

“You bastard, May!” he heard a familiar grumble. Looking up he saw Jeremy above him, just out of reach. “What's taking so long? You were already supposed to be up here, Captain Slow!”

“Yes, Clarkson, thanks for that,” James answered. “I'm trying.”

***

It was now two days since the sedation had been stopped to break James out of the coma. Two days since James’ vital signs had become a worry to everyone. Though his readings had begun to stabilize, James had shown no sign of regaining consciousness. Like Mindy had years before with Richard, Richard was trying to hold onto the hope that James was simply waiting. As the hours passed with no improvement, however, it was getting harder to hold onto that hope. The toll it was taking on Richard was alarming those supporting him.

“You're killing him, James,” Jeremy said softly, visiting his friend in the ICU. “Hammond's falling to pieces because you're not awake yet. You wouldn't believe it. Last year, when you were stuck up on top of that mountain, I watched you nearly become unglued and never thought I'd see that again. I didn't want to see that again. So if you don't want to destroy the man who loves you, arsehole, you're going to fight, and you’re going to come back and open your eyes and be okay. Otherwise I’m going to track you down and kick your arse myself.”

It was very late, well after midnight, and everyone had been sent away to rest. Andy was asleep in the waiting room, while James’ parents had finally gone back to the hotel. Mindy took Richard to the cafeteria for some tea and to gauge his mental state.

“When is the last time you and I shared a cuppa and we aren't talking about the girls?” Richard asked, rubbing his tired eyes with his fingers.

Mindy yawned. “A while,” she answered. “But I'm worried about you. How are you holding up?”

Richard started to answer, then found himself sinking his head to the table. “Why can't he wake up?” he asked emotionally, his voice muffled in the crook of his arm. “I know I need to sleep and keep up my strength, but the longer this goes, the more I feel like we're losing him. I'm afraid he’s going to wake up for just a moment and I won't be there, then he’ll just slip away without my speaking to him. And so I just sit with him, holding his hand. I stare at his face hoping to see him move a little. I beg God to save him. Just let him open his eyes and look at me and I'll do anything God wants.”

“Bargaining,” Mindy nodded as she rubbed his back gently. “I did that with you every time I got a call from Andy saying you were hurt. And then I'd get to the A&E and you’d be fine. Except for that one time. It's odd, but I don't remember bargaining then. I was too scared to come up with a deal.”

Richard sat up and wiped his eyes. “You were strong enough to take it all on, so you didn't need a bargain. And so was James last year. I don't know if I am. I can't handle what happens if I lose him, or worse, if I don't lose him but he's not the same.” He sighed. “I guess that makes me a real bastard, doesn't it?”

“No,” Mindy answered gently. “You're wrong if you think you’re not strong enough, though. You're strong because of everyone around you. We’ll help as much as you need, Rich. Just as much as I knew everyone would have been there for me had you not recovered. And I know you. You love James far too much to abandon him.” For a moment a shadow of sadness appeared in her eyes; it had been the knowledge of this love that ended their marriage for Mindy, knowing even if she'd demanded it, Richard would never have been able to leave James forever. 

Richard stared hard at the floor. “I sure have a great way of showing that,” he muttered.

Mindy rested her hand on his. “Look, Carol was there for you at a weak moment,” she told him. “All that happened was she held you and you kissed her. It's not like you shagged her in the supply closet down the hall. If she can't accept that you're with James and you want to stay with him, that is her problem. If you don't trust yourself around her, however, you have to stop putting yourself in situations where you're alone with her. It will stop any more of these unexpected moments from happening.” 

Richard nodded slowly. He knew how badly he screwed up when James confronted him, and it was clear now Carol was simply too much of a temptation. Short of going to Andy and jeopardizing her job, something she didn't deserve and would raise too many questions, Richard knew he'd simply have to avoid being alone with her. That really hurt--he’d always tried to get along with people, and to him being a bastard to people who hardly deserve it is not the way to be. But if he was faced with James leaving him, he’d be a bastard to others. Yet another thing he's be willing to offer to God in exchange for James getting better. 

“Are you ready to go back?” Mindy asked.

“Yeah,” Richard answered. As he stood, he pulled Mindy into a tight hug. “Thanks for being here for me,” he whispered into her hair. Mindy returned the hug, rocking him back and forth. Neither saw someone was watching them. Someone who was seeing Mindy as an obstacle to happiness. 

She'd have to be dealt with quickly.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gaines makes a discovery, words are exchanged, and Richard is reaching his limits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter to post. I'm feeling like Hammond in my story. Never again.

D.I. Gaines sat at his desk, racking his brain. The investigation was driving him to distraction. Whoever was stalking and trying to kill these people should have been easy to discover, but was somehow hiding in plain sight. Why were things not adding up to make one whit of sense?

He’d spent the evening reading again the staff background checks, trying to find something he missed. There was one left, the last report to come in this afternoon. He didn't really think this would amount to much--she was a young intern and highly cooperative in the investigation, and had been a victim to boot. He opened the file.

What he saw stunned him. The initial background--the one Andy Wilman had seen to hire his interns--was innocuous. But employment background checks weren't the same as the background checks the police had access to, especially after 9/11 and the bus bombing in London. They could search for aliases, discover if an individual had legally changed their name, and then run backgrounds on the former name. His people had done this before giving him the file. It was extensive. D.I. Gaines read through every line, then grabbed his jacket. “We need to secure permission to search a house,” he said to his commander, giving him the file.

“What for?” the commander asked.

D.I. Gaines turned to a section of the file, discussing the unsolved death of the intern’s parents. The autopsy results read both parents had died due to unidentified poisoning. “I think she's the one who poisoned James May,” he said.

***

“His readings are looking good,” the nurse reported when Richard and Mindy returned to the ICU. “He squeezed both fingers, and Mr. Clarkson saw his eyes move under the lids.”

“That means he can hear us,” Mindy smiled. 

“Oh, yes,” the nurse answered. “He’s probably heard things all this time, but he may be close enough now where speaking might help him become fully awake.”

Jeremy looked at Richard. “Speak to him, Hammond,” he said. “James would likely ignore me, the way he does sometimes.” He gave a somewhat weak grin, clearly trying to keep a lid on his emotions. Richard nodded and sat at James’ bedside, taking his hand.

“James, it’s Richard,” he said gently. “Can you hear me? Squeeze my hand if you can.” There was no response. “I’m here, James. And Jezza's here and Mindy is here. You're so close, we know it. We're waiting for you to come back. Just listen to my voice and follow it, you'll find us. Come on, James. Please.” He waited, but James did not squeeze. Richard's head dropped, despair threatening to overwhelm him. “James…” he whispered. He wasn't sure how much longer he could hope before it would be taken away forever. 

From the depths of his longing Richard felt something soft. He looked up in time to see James’ finger slightly caress his hand. “Oh my God,” he whispered in wonder. “James, I’m here,” he said, placing his other hand over James’ hand. “Can you feel that, James?” Richard waited a moment, then he got the response he longed for--James squeezed Richard's fingers. It wasn't a strong squeeze, but it was enough.

“Oh, God, look,” Mindy gasped. “James moved his head a little!”

Jeremy nodded. “That's it, May. I know how tough you are. I knew you could fight.”

Richard stood up and leaned over the bed. “James, come on,” he said, running his hand through James’ soft gray hair. “Open your eyes and look at me. I know you want to do that. I want to see those gorgeous blue eyes the way I see them every morning.” Everyone could see James’ eyes moving. Then, slowly, his eyes opened.

Dr. Lewis, who had been paged by the nurse, was right there. “Hello, James,” he said gently. “I'm Dr. Lewis. We're going to remove the breathing tube now to see if you can breathe on your own…” At this point the nurse ushered Jeremy, Mindy, and Richard out. Mindy was thankful for not having to watch another breathing tube removal--the experience with Richard had been traumatic enough. They were outside several minutes before Dr. Lewis came to see them. “Well, he’s very weak,” he reported. “He’s breathing on his own, but we'll put him on oxygen to help. I still can't guarantee there isn't some long-term damage due to the poison, but he's survived the initial event. Every day after that he’s alive will help him heal. For the next few days he’ll drift in and out of sleep. Let him. Meanwhile,” he said, giving Richard a slight grin, “James won't go back to sleep until he sees you.”

Richard nodded and followed Dr. Lewis back to James’ bed. A mask now covered the lower half of his face, but at least it was better to Richard than the invasive breathing tube. James opened his eyes and weakly patted a space by him on the bed. “Hi,” Richard whispered, sitting at the spot and taking James’ hand in his. “I'm so happy you're awake.” James grinned and made as if he wanted to speak. “Don't,” Richard stopped him. “The breathing tube can hurt coming out. Best to try not to speak.” James nodded and lifted his hand, stroking Richard's cheek with one finger. The look in his eyes was one of concern. “Don't worry about me,” Richard replied. “Right now you should focus on getting better. Because while I like the idea of you being confined to bed, I want it to be for the right reasons. And I want to be the one to confine you.” He smiled and kissed James’ hand as his blue eyes began to show he was tired. “Go to sleep. I'll stay here with you.” James closed his eyes and was soon out.

***

At the same time James was first opening his eyes, D.I. Gaines and a host of others were beginning a search of Carol's house. They were thorough, digging through every inch of the small cottage. A plastic bag was found in the shed, and on a work table what looked like shredded tea leaves. Inside the bag was a grey powder, which to D.I. Gaines looked similar to to what he’d seen in the tea bags in the studio's presenters room. It would take lab tests to confirm his suspicions, he was confident of the results. As a detective it made him feel good his case was progressing. If his suspicions were true, however, it meant a dangerous person had been able to hide in front of him, acting as a victim herself

“I think you need to come see this,” the officer reported. “The giant wall hanging covers the seams of the door. I just happened to look down and saw the space.” The door was open, revealing Carol's room, the one dedicated to Richard. 

“Oh my God,” D.I. Gaines whispered at the levels of obsession he saw in front of him. It was becoming clear to him Carol was a truly dangerous presence and Richard was in genuine danger. “I need to go to the hospital,” he announced. “These people will need extra protection.”

***

Carol stepped out of the shower with her newly short blonde hair, ready to begin her day. The next part of her plan would be a little tricky, she knew this, especially given little time to plan this move. But one thing Carol admired herself for was the ability to think on her feet. And, to be honest, this wasn't a completely new part of the plan--it would fall into the category of eliminating obstacles to her and Richard being happy together. Mindy was simply another roadblock. Carol dressed simply and dried her hair, which now took less time than her shoulder length cut. Over this she put on a wig the length and color of her old cut. If anyone went looking for her after what she was planning, they’d search for a mousy girl with light brown, shoulder length hair. The wig would be easy to ditch, the new short hair easy for hiding until she wanted to turn up at Richard's side. By then she would become inseparable to him, he would willingly explain away any questions that may arise. And of course by then the public would see them together, and their first thought would be if Richard believed in her, it would silence any naysayers.

Carol took a deep breath as she stepped outside the hotel. She'd anticipated D.I. Gaines would want to search her house after James’ illness. She left behind a small baggie of the toxin in the shed, but she could explain that away--the real perpetrator must have followed her home one night and left it in her shed, in fact it was quite possible, considering she'd been attacked, that the perpetrator had intended to finish her off. They would believe her. They believed her when she was found unconscious in the presenters room. She hadn't anticipated slamming her head on the table when she gave herself the chloroform, but it worked out. They’d believed her when she appeared upset over Barry Partridge's accident. And they were believing her feelings of guilt over James’ “accidental” poisoning. She'd been very good all her life at convincing others of her innocence.

She stared at the hospital several blocks away. It was time. Carol headed there on foot.

***

James’ parents were called by Andy first thing that morning to give them the good news, and they wasted no time getting back to his side. When he opened his eyes and saw them there, along with Richard, he grinned beneath the oxygen mask, gave a sigh of contentment, and promptly fell asleep again. The nurse showed up with several vials to take blood samples. Soon, others appeared to attend to James’ personal needs, such as sponge-bathing and changing linens. It gave them the chance to discuss matters with Dr. Lewis, who sounded a bit more upbeat.

“Long-term recovery here is more of a marathon than a sprint,” he reminded them. “He’s too groggy at this point to see if his brain is affected by the poison at all, but the nurse's notes indicate he’s been responsive, so that is to the good. The lab will be processing his blood for the readings we need for the other organs. Then we'll know more.” Dr. Lewis went on to tell them he wanted to swap the oxygen mask for the nose-worn line later if James’ oxygen levels remained consistent, and depending on progress might consider transferring him out of the ICU in a couple of days. Richard was certain Mindy had experienced conversations like this all those years ago. But right now it was all running together in his head. In spite of trying to get rest, Richard just felt tired, his brain just felt tired. All he wanted was to lie next to James and sleep.

It was this tired brain that encountered Carol as she entered the floor. James’ parents had gone back into the ICU, Mindy had gone to the cafeteria for breakfast, and Andy and Jeremy had gone to talk to reporters. Richard wasn't prepared to resist her if she pressed her advantage of the attraction. “How is he?” Carol asked.

Richard sighed and nodded. “He’s weak but improving,” he answered as he sat on the waiting room couch.” 

“Thank God,” Carol whispered, sitting near him. “But at the risk of sounding rude, you don't look well.”

Richard leaned forward and covered his face with his hands, gently rubbing his eyes. “Oh God, Carol, I’m knackered,” he answered. “It's all started to catch up with me.”

“I can see that,” she replied. “What you need is a long nap. You could do that here. Just lie back. I'll turn off the light and make certain you are not disturbed by anyone.” 

“That's nice of you, Carol,” he grinned weakly. “But I don't know how much that will help.” Carol was sitting very close to him now, close enough to reach over and kiss her. It was a thought he pushed back. Carol needed to find a guy near her age, who wanted to get married and have babies and spend a life together, not some divorced guy approaching middle age whose teenage daughters are close to her age. Especially a divorced, near middle aged guy who's madly in love with his middle aged male co-presenter and who, to his astonishment, was finding the strength in himself to take care of the pedantic old cock for the rest of his life singlehandedly if he had to. 

But at the moment, Richard's brain was too tired to conceptualize that thought into words. “You're pretty young, Carol,” he finally replied, “so I don't know if you'll understand this... but...men aren't supposed to need someone emotionally. It's girly. Or at least it's what we learn as boys. So we grow up getting laid, get married, have kids, but then you realize you not only love that person, you _need_ them. Life without them becomes unimaginable. They become the key to your existence. Am I making any sense to you?”

“Yes, Richard,” Carol answered softly. She took his hands into hers and stared into his eyes. “I like to think I can become that for you.”

Richard could feel himself respond to Carol; it took a great deal of what was left of his shattered will to keep himself on point. “No, Carol,” he answered. “You don't understand. There is only one person I belong to now, one I need. And after my divorce I never thought I'd come to that point again. But it's not you.” 

“But it _can_ be me,” Carol argued. “I am willing to do whatever you wish to make that happen.” 

Richard shook his head. “Carol, what we have between us is physical, nothing more. It's not love.”

Carol grinned at him. “Love always starts with physical attraction, you know that. We're just at the beginning. Give us time.”

“No,” Richard answered sternly. “Look, I don't know how to make you see without hurting you, which I don't like. I've told you several times now I am with someone else. I'm not leaving for you, and I’m not going to break their heart for you. This is something you're going to have to accept, Carol. And this subject is now closed.”

Carol stared back at Richard, her face pale and eyes brimming. Richard felt terrible for having to hurt her this way. But he couldn't find a better way of getting his point across. Carol looked stricken. She said nothing, but threw a withering glance as she left the room. Carol hated to be thwarted in her efforts. She'd make sure to get him back later, after she’d won him over.

Returning from the cafeteria. Mindy saw Carol walking down the hall briskly and figured something must have happened between her and Richard again, and this time it has not ended well for Carol. Entering the waiting room she found Richard pacing back and forth, trying to keep a lid on his rising anger. Richard quickly told her what had transpired with Carol. “Well,” Mindy sighed, “I'm glad you were able to stand your ground with her. Unfortunately, sometimes when we’re young we can't accept the obvious until it slaps us hard in the face.”

“I just wish I didn't have to hurt her feelings like that,” Richard said, looking guilty. 

“I don't think you could have done this differently, Rich,” Mindy replied. “You had already made it clear you weren't available. She didn't listen.”

“I know,” Richard acknowledged. “I just wish I could have let her down easy,” He studied Mindy’s face carefully. “You're starting to look about as knackered as I feel,” he said.

Mindy nodded. “It's been awhile since I've slept in a real bed,” she answered. “The same for you.”

“I know Andy got you a room at the same hotel he and Jeremy and the Mays have,” he said. “Since things are pretty stable for the time being, why don't you go over there and give yourself a proper sleep? You can always come back later, and I can call you if I need you.”

Mindy thought a moment. “I guess it would give me enough to do a proper catch-up with Izzy and Willow,” she replied. “I’ve been texting updates, but I think it would help hearing voices on the phone.” She looked him in the eyes. “If I go get some sleep, will you promise to do the same?” Richard nodded. Mindy kissed his cheek. “I’ll call you later,” she said, heading for the elevator.

A few minutes later Jeremy and Andy returned, along with D.I. Gaines. All three looked troubled. “Rich,” Jeremy said, his voice a bit shaky, “we have a problem.”

***

Mindy stepped into the elevator at the hotel, anticipating how it would feel to stand under a hot shower and then sleep stretched out on a large bed. The hospital gladly accommodated Richard, allowing him to use a family shower, and extending that chance to Mindy if she wanted. But doing it in a private space was different. She could take her time. So lost in thought was she that it startled Mindy when an arm pushed its way into the elevator before the doors closed. When the doors parted, Carol stood on the other side.

“Oh, hello,” Mindy grinned. “You're Carol, aren't you?”

“Yes,” Carol answered softly as she entered.

“I've seen you at the hospital, but with everything happening I’d forgotten for certain that your name was Carol. I’m sorry.”

“It's okay,” Carol replied shyly, playing her role carefully.

“My ex-husband Richard has mentioned you over the past days,” Mindy said. “I'm pleased to finally put a name to a face. Nice to meet you.”

“My pleasure,” Carol answered back.

“Do you have a room here too?” Mindy asked.

“For a couple of days,” Carol answered. “I live fairly close, but with the current situation I thought it best to have a room for late nights.” She paused. “A fellow intern died in an accident, driving home late at night.”

“Oh dear,” Mindy replied. “I'm so sorry!” The elevator felt as if it were slowing. “My room is coming up,” she said. “I need to get some sleep, but I hope we can talk more later.”

“Thank you, I’d like that,” Carol responded.

Mindy exited and walked down the hallway. She never saw or heard anyone running up behind her. Mindy pulled out the key card, inserted it into the lock, and opened the door. Then Mindy felt a hand clamp down hard over her mouth and nose. It was a cloth. The cloth had a scent. Then the world went black and Mindy heard and saw no more.

***

James could see the top of the shelf; all this time climbing and he was nearly there. He saw Mum and Dad, shouting encouragement, saw the overjoyed look on Mindy's face, Andy's deeply emotional expression, could hear Jeremy's shout of triumph. And there was Richard, dear Richard, his gorgeous face radiant, the purest of smiles, holding out his hand for James to grab.

Pulling him up, Richard instantly pulled James into a firm embrace. James felt safe and happy. But just as Richard stepped back to get a good look, James suddenly felt someone give him a mighty shove. James felt himself fall, tumble, , and go over the side of the cliff. At the last second James managed to get his hands around a rock to stop his fall. Above him the sky, which had flared with bright sun and blue skies when he got to the top, had turned quite black again. 

Carol stepped up to the edge of the shelf and peered at him, her green eyes shining with a wild light, a grin of evil satisfaction playing at the corners of her mouth. The wind picked up and began to howl, Carol's hair streaming, as lighting ripped the sky. “Bad luck, James,” she shouted over the incoming storm.” I like you, I really de. But you're standing between me and Richard, and he’s mine. Don't worry though. Richard will need time to mourn your loss. Then I'll be there.”

Carol shoved the stone James was clinging to with her foot and the rock came loose. Then James was falling, falling, trying to reach for something, anything, to stop the descent. “ _Richard!_ ” he cried out.

As James’ parents kept their vigil by their son’s bedside, Mrs. May was the first to notice something different. She just happened to be staring at the monitor showing his vital signs when James’ pulse and blood pressure began to rise. She stood and kissed the top of his James’ head to comfort him. 

In response James turned his head slightly in his mother's direction. “Richard…” he murmured.

“It's okay,” Mrs. May soothed. “Richard is just outside. Sleep if you wish.”

James’ breathing changed, becoming more rapid. His eyes opened. “Richard, where is he?” he groaned, his voice muffled by the oxygen mask. 

The nurse glared at the monitor and calmly bent over to let James see her. “James, you need to relax,” she told him. “Can you take some deep breaths for me?”

“Need to see him…” James panted. “Please…”

The nurse nodded in the direction of the Mays and Mr. May left the ICU to find Richard. “We're going to get him,” she replied. “But for now you need to calm down. We don't want you to drive your blood pressure up too high.”

“Find Richard,” James said weakly. “Need to help him…”

***

“There is a very serious problem with one of your interns,” D.I. Gaines was telling Jeremy, Richard, Andy, and Brian Klein in a conference room down the hall. “You know this woman”--he produced a picture--”as Carol Whitby, yes?”

“Yes,” Andy answered. “We run background checks on all our potential employees and interns. Carol naturally passed.”

“She would,” D.I. Gaines agreed, “because Carol Whitby is a law-abiding person. “The problem is, most background checks for employment aren't very extensive.” He took a deep breath. “Carol changed her name. She was originally named Caroline Shipcomb. The Shipcombs were a rather posh couple who had government connections, so they ran about in some high circles. Caroline was educated in the best schools, but she carried some dark secrets--her parents were physically abusive. Whether Caroline told no one out of fear, or the Shipcombs were able to buy silence, the abuse went unreported until Caroline was 15 and was taken into foster care and placed with a family by the name of Whitby. She remained with them until she came of age. At the age of 18 Caroline inherited the Shipcomb fortune--both parents had died when she was 16.

“Both parents?” Andy asked. “That would be quite a shock.”

“Yes,” D.I. Gaines agreed. “And this is where the story becomes disturbing. As I said, Caroline was taken from her parents at 15. Well, the Shipcombs used their money and influence to take her back a few months later. The Whitbys, of course, complained, but for naught. Several months later, around Caroline's birthday, her father, followed by her mother, died mysteriously. Nobody could prove it, but it has always been suspected that Caroline poisoned them.”

“My God…” Jeremy whispered in shock.

“After their deaths, Caroline was still underage and needed to have parental supervision, so the Whitby family took her in until she attended University. And while she was never formally adopted, Caroline had her name changed to Whitby. The twist in all this, however, was the Whitby family never consented to Caroline taking their name and there was a falling out.”

“But why?” Andy asked. “They cared enough for her to take her back in after her parents died, even with all the questions.”

“From what I've read in our reports, there were issues with Caroline's behavior while ahead living with the Whitbys and then while attending University,” D.I. Gaines answered. “Some of the behavior could be passed off as teenage drama, but there were reports of strange behavior by Caroline and threats of violence. Of course the Shipcomb lineage and potential of a future endowment smoothed over a great many issues. But not everything. Caroline was actually required to submit to a psychological evaluation to remain in school. I have read It. The summary is that Caroline has a combination of disorders that are dangerous, but as long as she remains on medication, she is stable. However, if she goes off her medication, the longer she is not on them, the more likely she will become suicidal or even homicidal.”

Richard shook his head. “I'm not buying this,” he argued. “Andy, you know what's happened. Carol has been as much a victim in this as the rest of us. She was attacked, and she's been as frightened as we have. As for James, she’s already explained how she unwittingly gave him the poison. No--I just think you're barking up the wrong tree here. It has to be someone else.”

D.I. Gaines listened to Richard patiently. “Mr. Hammond,” he replied calmly, “I was thinking the same way as you until a few hours ago. We executed a search of her house. We found the same poison present in the tea bags. And we found something else.” He pulled out his cellphone and pulled up pictures. “We found a secret room just off of Carol's bedroom, and this is what we found inside.” He handed the phone to Richard, who scrolled through the pictures with Jeremy, Andy and Brian. Richard said nothing, but D.I. Gaines noticed the muscles in his face tense and the color drain from his skin. The others looked horrified.

“Mr. Hammond, it is clear to me that Carol Whitby is obsessed with you. She is highly intelligent and highly manipulative, and I suspect she has been targeting people she perceives as blocking her ability to be with you, then staging her own attack to throw us off.”

Jeremy shook his head; Richard could see him struggling with keeping his temper. “My wife was nearly killed... because someone wants to get into Hammond's pants?” he asked. “My kids were nearly left without their _mother!_ ” he exploded. His blue eyes flared.

Brian pulled Jeremy's attention away from Richard. ”Come on, Jezza, calm down,” he said softly. “This isn't Hamster's fault, you know that.”

“I know a huge fucking amount of things, Brian,” he replied, turning his attention back to Richard. “Like the fact that in the past 10 years he’s become a one-man wrecking crew through everyone's personal life. He couldn't be satisfied with getting a tattoo or buy an island like everyone else with a midlife crisis. No--he has to decide he no longer fancied his perfect wife and perfect marriage and stared shagging James. But of course he had to torture the poor bastard because he couldn't make up his fucking mind what he really wanted. Cut to today where this clearly dangerous girl is involved in poisoning James, who Richard supposedly loves a great deal, and yet Hammond won't believe she had anything to do with it! And yet, I’m the one accused of being the loose cannon around here!” Jeremy leveled a truly venomous glance at Richard. “You manage to destroy everything and everyone you touch, Hammond, and I for one am tired of it.” 

Before Richard could reply, Mr. May walked into the conference room. “Richard, it's James. You need to come with me now.” Sudden panic gripped Richard and he ran out of the conference room to the ICU.

When Richard arrived at James’ bedside the beeping of the pulse and blood pressure monitor was loud and consistent. “He's very agitated,” the nurse quickly reported. “His blood pressure is elevated. We’ve given him a sedative to get it under control, but he's fighting it. He’s been demanding to see you.”

Richard swallowed the lump in his throat and leaned over the bed to let James see him. Mrs. May was holding her son's hand for comfort, but her face revealed her fear. “James?”

James’ eyes locked onto Richard. “Rich…” he acknowledged, his voice groggy. “Carol…”

Richard nodded. “What about Carol?” he asked gently.

There was a pause while James fought the drugs to answer. “Did this,” he finally said.

Richard stroked James’ hair. “She told me,” he reassured him. “It was an accident.”

“NO,” James answered, for a moment his voice quite clear. His eyes closed, then fluttered open again. “Watch out…” he said as the drugs took their full effect and sleep finally took him.

“We're going to keep him sedated the rest of the day,” the nurse said. “His blood pressure was out of control. If it had gone much higher he could have had a stroke.”

Richard looked stunned. He wasn't sure at this point what all this had meant. Was James recovering, or had he just gathered his last strength to warn him about Carol? A dying declaration? Jeremy's words rang bitterly in Richard's ear and burned into his soul: _You manage to destroy everything and everyone you touch, Hammond_. He felt close to a nervous breakdown. He knew Jezza had been upset over Francie's accident, that he’d been thrown over the thought the one responsible was right under their nose. And perhaps in a different moment he would have said what he said.

The problem was Jeremy did say it. And he had been absolutely right.

Richard took a walk down the hallway. Everything since the accident had indeed been different, and while the past 10 years could be seen by some as “living a full life”, others could easily point out the collateral damage along the way. Richard had indeed sacrificed his marriage and his daughters having their father home most nights for James.He had indeed tortured James’ well-being back then. And now he had dallied with a woman who had tried to eliminate James and made Francie Clarkson an unwitting victim. In the darkness of his thoughts, Richard wondered if he should just go away and put distance between himself and those he loved; at least he wouldn't hurt them anymore. But he knew that wasn't realistic, he’d simply inflict pain doing that, too.”

Richard pulled out his cellphone. He needed to talk to Mindy.

***

Mindy woke up on her bed, trying to put together how she got there. She remembered opening the door, but that was it.

“Did you have a nice nap?” she heard a voice ask. Mindy sat up. Sitting at the desk was Carol, several bottles of pills sitting in front of her. She had removed her wig and it shocked Mindy to see the short blonde hair. “You were obviously very tired. I didn't think I gave you that much chloroform.”

“What are you doing here?” Mindy asked carefully.

“Claiming what is mine,” Carol answered, nonchalant. “I thought maybe we should talk.” She grinned at Mindy. “I thought maybe we should talk about _Richard_.”

“Richard?” Mindy started to become afraid. “Where is he?”

“As far as I know he’s still at the hospital,” Carol answered. She saw Mindy sigh with relief and giggled. “What, did you think I’d done something to Richard? No, not to him. He matters too much to me.”

Mindy took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I'm glad,” she answered. “But why are you here with me?”

“Because you’ve been spending a lot of time with him lately. You see, Richard was coming very close to falling in love with me. All these things have happened lately around him, things he has found very upsetting. In times like these, two people who are destined to be together find each other. One suffers, the other provides relief and comfort. From there, love and need are born. But of late he seems to be pulling away from me, and I can't help but believe you have something to do with it.”

Mindy shook her head. “Carol, I’ve not tried to turn him away from you,” she replied. “If Richard is choosing to not be with you, he’s doing it for reasons he has not discussed with me. I have nothing to do with it.”

“That's where you're wrong,” Carol argued. “He clearly sets a great store in what you think and feel. Even if you are divorced, he knows you are the mother of his children, and if you were not happy with him, you could make seeing his children very difficult. You have a great power over him to do your bidding.”

“Carol, I don't even know you,” Mindy answered in kind, “so believe it or not, Richard and I have not spent much of our time together lately discussing you. I have only offered a friendly ear and advice on what Richard chooses to tell me. And if I had the power over him you claim I have, we never would have divorced in the first place. As it was, circumstances I choose not to discuss with you made divorce necessary. And it's made him a happier person, which has also made him a better father. If you really knew who Richard loved, you would understand I have no influence here. And since I do know who he loves, I can only advise you to stop and accept that it isn't you. Don't get your heart broken.”

Carol laughed then, and to Mindy’s ears it sounded hard and bitter. “He wants me!” she shot back. “He clearly desires me, even while telling me he loves someone else. So I don't believe you. You do present a problem, however. Richard listens to you, and after this I know you would advise him to stay away from me. I can't let you do that.”

Mindy knew in her heart the intent behind Carol's words, and it scared her. “I won't say anything to Richard about this, I promise,” she offered. “You can trust me.”

“No, I can't trust you with that,” Carol countered. “But I have another idea that helps me more. In fact, it guarantees Richard will need me more than ever.” Carol pulled a gun from her purse. “Come over here and have a seat at the desk.” Mindy reluctantly sat down, trembling. “Now, write on the paper exactly what I tell you to write. 'My Darling Richard--”

Mindy looked at the stationery, the bottles of pills, and knew how Carol intended for her to die. “Carol, I won't do this,” she whispered in horror. “I can't do this to my daughters.”

“Really, Mindy?” Carol asked sarcastically. “You would rather have them know you died painfully, opposed to quietly going to sleep?” Mindy felt the barrel of the gun press against her temple. “ Write.” Mindy trembled harder. Carol slammed her hand down on the desk. “Write!”

Over the next little while Carol dictated her letter. It told Richard how much she still loved him, that she never really recovered from the divorce, that she remembered the birth of their children and how close they had been as a family. How he’d now found someone else she realized she’d never have his love again and just couldn't live with the pain anymore. Mindy stared at the letter tearfully. The letter was in her handwriting. The police would believe it was her suicide note.

“The bottles are clean of fingerprints,” Carol reported. “They will only find yours. Start taking the pills, and don't stop until you've emptied the bottle. Then start working on the next one.”

“Carol, please,” Mindy begged. “I don't want to do this.”

“Of course you don't,” Carol replied. “And I'm sorry I have to do this. You seem like a nice person. So is James.”

Mindy looked tearfully at Carol. “You poisoned James? But why?”

“For the same reason I have you here now,” Carol answered. “You both stand in the way of what I want. What I _need_. Unfortunately James has some fight in him, but the poison I used is damaging--the sooner he gives up, the less he will suffer. If you do this the way I wish, you won't have to suffer much, either. This can be quite painless, Mindy.”

“For whom, Carol?” Mindy asked, crying. “I don't want to be apart from my girls. Izzy needs me now more than ever. She’ll be going to University soon. Willow is discovering boys and her changing body. And what about Rich? You love him, Carol, I know. You love his courage, his humor, you love that sometimes he doesn't understand why he is loved so much. He loves who he loves more deeply than I believe even he knows. And James is his touchstone, his best mate. Losing me would damage him. But losing James _at the same time_ would destroy him. Surely you don't want that, not if you love him.

“I do love him,” Carol whispered. “And my love is strong enough to help him heal. He will rely on me, then come to love me. And while I can never replace you, your daughters will come to love me, too, which will influence Richard’s love for me.”

Mindy shook her head resolutely. “I won't have my daughters’ abiding memory of me being that I committed suicide. I won't do that to them.”

“And you have no trouble having their abiding memory of you being that you were murdered?” Carol showed Mindy the gun again. “No, I wouldn't do that. My parents were murdered, so I know what that can do to Izzy and Willow. But,” she continued, “I can shoot you and make it look like suicide. I would find you and scream in horror at the sight, the hotel would call the police. I can spin whatever story I wish and they will believe me.” Mindy watched the light in Carol's eyes change and become more predatory, less rational. “They believe I was attacked at the studio. They believe I did not intentionally poison James. They don't even suspect I cut the brake line on Jeremy Clarkson's car. Since you’ll be dead, you won't be around to contradict my story.”

“Please, Carol, don't make me do this,” Mindy begged again.

“Take the pills, Mindy.”

“No.”

“Take the _pills_ , Mindy.” 

“ _ **No.**_ ”

For just a second Carol lost control of herself and screamed in frustration. She cut herself off in mid-cry and stared at Mindy balefully. “If you won't do it yourself you’ll force me to kill you,” Carol warned. “And then, I’ll kill your children.”

Mindy's eyes flew open in shock. “You would not dare--”

“Oh yes I would,” Carol hissed. “Izzy's 15, right? Lots of accidents happen to 15-year-olds. Brakes can fail on cars as they're starting to learn driving. Harnesses can break on her horse, or the strap that holds the saddle. And of course she could just fall ill and die before anyone can discover what's wrong. How do you think Richard would react to such a thing happening to his daughter? And you not around to help prevent it?” She could see the fury in Mindy's eyes and gave her a cold smile. “You are tempted to leap out of the chair and throttle me,” she purred. “Go ahead and try. You may be able to get to me before I can pull the trigger. But if won't save you. No matter how it happens you are going to die. How you choose to have it happen will determine whether your daughters die too. Think about it for a moment.”

Mindy's cellphone started ringing. “That's probably Richard,” Mindy whispered. “He said he'd call if he needed me to come back.”

“Answer the phone and don't let him know anything is wrong,” Carol answered.

Mindy took her phone out of her purse and realized it wasn't Richard calling, but Izzy. She hated what she was about to do, but if the plan that flashed in her head worked…”Hi Richard,” she said.

“Mum? It's Izzy. How is James?”

“Oh, fine,” Mindy answered. “How is James?”

There was a pause on the other end, and Mindy knew the wheels were turning in Izzy's brain. She was always like this, able to listen to people telling her things and sorting out what they were not telling her. She'd been able to do that since Richard's accident when she was 5. Mindy would try to keep things light and then look at Izzy and see her processing the truth and realized this little girl knew there was more unsaid. “Mum, something is wrong, isn't it?” 

Mindy smiled for Carol. “Yeah,” she answered. “I'm getting ready to take a nap. You said I should.”

Izzy sighed. “Do you want me to call Dad?”

“Thanks for that, Rich, but the cafeteria food is turning my stomach a bit. I think I'll try room service.”

“Okay, if you can, try to pretend you’ve hung up, but put your phone on speaker so I can hear what's going on. Then I can tell Dad.”

“Okay,” Mindy answered. The words were out of her mouth before she knew it: “I love you.” She put her phone back in her purse, but had the speaker turned on.

“So it's true,” Carol said. “You still love him.”

“Yes, Carol,” Mindy answered. “He’s the father of my children. I will always love him for that.”

“Which will make your death all the more tragic,” Carol replied. “The question is, just how tragic will all this become? Will you do as I ask and take the pills? Or will I have to kill you myself and then turn on your daughters?”

Mindy's eyes filled with tears again. “I will do as your ask,” she told Carol, her voice breaking. “Please don't hurt my babies.”

“Good girl,” Carol finally responded. “Now, open the bottle and start taking the pills.”

Mindy opened the first bottle, pouring several pills into her hand. “God, forgive me,” she whispered as she put the pill in her mouth and swallowed them with some water. Mindy burst into tears.

“Very, very good,” Carol smiled. “ Continue.”

 _God, please save me_ , Mindy thought.

***

Richard punched up Mindy's cellphone and got her voicemail. She was chatting with the girls or she was sleeping. He waited for the beep: “Mind...Mind, it's Rich. I don't know what's going on. Something's happened with James, but I don't know what it is. Right now I need to hear a friendly voice and you're as close as. I have to that. Please.” He hung up. A moment later his phone rang and he sighed with relief; Richard truly felt like he was falling apart. “Hello, Mindy?”

“No, Dad, it's Izzy.” She sounded panicked.

“Iz, what's wrong?” There was nothing like the sound of terror in the voice of his daughter to make Richard suddenly find his focus. 

“It's Mum,” Izzy explained. “I called her and she kept pretending she was talking to you. I got her to pretend to hang up but turn the speaker on, and I heard her talking to some woman and crying. The woman was telling Mum if she didn't take some pills and kill herself, she’d kill Willow and me.”

Richard's heart nearly stopped. “Izzy, did you hear the woman's name?”

“Yeah, I think Mum called her Carol.”

Richard suddenly felt himself flush hot with rage.”It’s going to be okay,” he replied, keeping his voice calm. “The police are here and we’re going to fetch your Mum. You and Willow are safe. I love you.”

“Love you too, Dad.”

Richard ran back to the waiting room. Jeremy, Andy and Brian were exiting. “Hammond, where have you been?” Andy asked.

Richard stared directly at D.I. Gaines. “Carol's at the hotel,” he said. “She's trying to kill Mindy.” Without another word Richard ran for the stairs and exited. By the time he got to the ground floor of the hospital he was at a full run. He was burning inside. It was enough that she tried to kill James. But now she was after his ex-wife, the mother of his children. And worse, she had threatened his daughters.

He intended to kill her.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richard confronts Carol again, but can he save Mindy? What else will he have to sacrifice?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new chapter at last. Illness and hospital have forced a hiatus, and In order to post this I've had to reconstruct what I originally wrote. Hopefully you will get something new soon.

Mindy was losing consciousness. Carol's plan was for her to take handful after handful of pills. Mindy would vomit into the trashcan, then Carol would be there, insisting on more. Even with Mindy cleverly faking vomiting so she could spit out pills before they could dissolve In her mouth, there was now enough in her system where it was starting to affect her, and yet Carol was still insisting on more. 

What Carol hadn't anticipated was Mindy's instinct for survival. She truly had so much to live for--in love with a man whom she loved as much as she once loved Richard, a weekly column as popular as the weekly columns of Jeremy Clarkson, except hers weren't about cars in any way, and she had her girls. Mindy couldn't bear the thought they'd go the rest of their lives believing she'd committed suicide, that she’d given up on them and on life and checked out. She loved Izzy and Willow with her entire soul and didn't want to leave them to fend for themselves. Yes, they would have Richard, and he loved them just as deeply, but there are certain things only a mother truly understands and can share with a daughter, and Mindy wanted to be here for that.

“I think you’ve had enough,” Carol announced, helping Mindy to stand and walking her over to the bed. Mindy began to weakly struggle with her, knowing right now the bed was her enemy; the bed would make her want to sleep, would whisper to her to relax and give in to the pills, close her eyes. The pills were causing her body to sleep before her brain, though, so Carol was able to overwhelm what struggle there was. “You did very well, Mindy,” she said gently. “You’ll get a nice reward. There are so many painful and unpleasant ways to die. I'm so happy you chose to go out this way instead of choosing violence.”

“Don't... want to die….” Mindy pleaded groggily.

“I know,” Carol tried to comfort Mindy, stroking her hair. “But your daughters will be loved well, by Richard and by me.”

Mindy knew in her heart she was about to lose this fight, the drugs and the bed’s siren song were simply too powerful. _Oh Rich,_ she thought, _please don't grieve for me. You have to be strong enough for our daughters. And if God is merciful, James will be by your side to help you. Love him with all your heart, okay?_ She felt one last tear run out of the corner of her eye, then sighed as she began to feel warm waves engulf her.

Something thudded heavily against the door and Carol heard a cracking sound. There was another loud thud and the door flew open, along with splinters of the doorframe. Richard ran in, shouting, “Mindy?! Mindy?!” It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the light, and when they did, Richard saw Mindy lying on the bed, unnaturally still. “Mindy…” Richard whispered in horror, running over to the bed and feeling for a pulse. He found one, but barely. “Oh dear God,” he said. Richard began to shake her. “Mindy, Mindy wake up, come on..”

“I was too late,” he heard Carol sniffling behind him. Richard looked up, seeing the bottles and Carol and the note in her hands all at the same time. It was almost too much for him to take in all at once. “I found her here,” she continued, tears streaking her face. “Mindy said she needed to see me. She wanted to talk about you. She lay down on the bed. I didn't see until too late exactly what she’d done.”

Richard turned his attention back to Mindy. “Come on, Mind, come on,” he pleaded almost desperately. “Baby, I know you don't want to do this.” His statement was met with a weak moan and Mindy turned her head. Richard picked her up and began to walk with her, trying to keep her legs moving. “Alright, Mind, you have to walk now, walk with me, it will help keep you awake.” He marched his stricken wife around the room a few moments before turning his attention back to the other woman in the room. “You're lying, Carol,” Richard declared, glaring at her.”Mindy would never deliberately harm herself.”

“But she left a note,” Carol argued, handing the note to him. “She meant to do it, Richard.” Carol's eyes were large and vulnerable, but Richard could see something was different inside them, different and strange and disturbing. A light no longer hypnotic but showing desperation, a desperation he felt inside himself.

Richard quickly read Mindy's note and threw it down, shaking his head. “You seem to have forgotten something,” he pointed out, barely managing to remain calm. “You don't think I lived with Mindy long enough that I wouldn't recognize her writing style? This is her handwriting, but she didn't write this. And…” Richard could feel his anger rising to a boil, “you used my daughters to force her!” Carol's eyes flew wide in surprise. “Oh, yes!” he continued. “Izzy **overheard** you! How exactly did you intend to protect yourself once you realized she knew the truth, Carol? And I know my kids well enough to know if Izzy knows what happened, Willow would know. What the fuck were you going to do to silence them, to keep them from discovering what you did to Francie Clarkson? Or James?”

“Nothing!” Carol blurted. “We would have been together, Richard, you and me. In love! You could have explained things to them, told them out of love for you they would have to accept it. And they love you so much they would have, and we’d be a happy family for the rest of our lives.”

Richard couldn't hold back the scorn that escaped in his voice. “What makes you think we would ever love each other?” he asked darkly. “In your perfect world Mindy would be gone and I’d have my girls to raise alone. And I wouldn't have James. Whom I love. _**Whom. I. Love!**_ ” This last was spoken with such force, such fury in his voice, Carol was forced to take a step backward. “And you have lost anyway. James is getting stronger. He’ll recover. Then he’ll prosecute you. Your reality is going to prison for attempted murder, Carol, and I will make it my life’s mission to make sure you serve _every single day._ ” Richard began marching Mindy down the hallway to the door.

“Where are you going, Richard?” Carol asked, her voice taking a dangerous tone.

“I’m taking Mindy out of here,” Richard answered, not turning around. “She needs help.”

“I wouldn't do that,” Carol warned him. From behind Richard could hear the gun being cocked. “You will be with me, or you won't be with anyone. I won't allow you to reject me, Richard.” Richard could hear a slight tremble in her voice, a sign of barely restrained rage.

“And if I don't agree you're just going to shoot me?” Richard asked, turning to face Carol. Deep down. Richard instinctively knew the danger he was facing, and later he would be able to spin the story to strangers of how in that moment he summoned his profound courage. But in the moment Richard's brain registered the weapon, weighed the totality of everything that had happened, and simply felt... tired. He sighed. “Then go ahead and shoot me,” he said. “You are so determined to take everything and everyone I care about, then go ahead. Because right now I simply don't give a shit.” He turned back to the door.” 

As Richard was expecting the next noise he’d hear would be the gunshot that would end his life, the door flew open, and D.I. Gaines, along with several cops rushed in. “DROP IT, CAROL!!” Gaines shouted, as much to make himself heard over the noise of several cops as to give Carol a direct order.

Someone took Mindy from Richard's arms as he turned back to the scene behind him. Gaines was standing less than a foot from Carol, apparently not having drawn his weapon. He had no need--at least two other police officers had drawn theirs and had then trained on Carol. And Carol faced them, gun in her hand, trembling. Tears were streaming and there was a look in her eyes of impending loss as she stared at Richard helplessly. “Richard... _please_ ,” she begged. “Please help.”

The last thing Richard wanted to see was anyone to be killed in front of him, especially for his benefit. And despite everything he did hold some compassion for her. “Carol, don't make them hurt you,” he coaxed her softly. “Please put it down.” Carol continued to stare at Richard, her heart threatening to shatter. Any second now, the police would run out of patience and do what they must to stop Carol's continued threat.

“ _Caroline?_ ” a gentle voice implored. Richard realized it came from D.I. Gaines, using a tenderness almost never brought out in his duties. Carol turned her attention to him. “Caroline, it’s over now,” he said to her. “It's time to stop now. Please, sweetheart. Come on.” Carol's eyes darted between everyone who faced her. Then something broke inside her as she let the gun slip from her hand to the floor, sobbing. The police descended on her instantly, handcuffing her, presenting her rights.

“Come along, Mr. Hammond,” D. I. Gaines said, leading him to the door. “There's nothing else for you to do here right now.” 

“Wait,” Carol spoke up from the room. Richard and Gaines turned. “May I please say one final thing to Richard? I am handcuffed so I can't attack.”

Richard nodded and took a step towards her, his face grave. “What is it, Carol?” he asked softly.

Carol took a deep breath and stared again into Richard's eyes. “Do you really think you managed a happy ending?” She asked him, her voice cold. “That you have James again and he’s just going to be well and you’ll have a long life together? The poison doesn't work that way, Richard. It damages you. You may have him for a year, or his organs may fail tomorrow. But either way, you will end up alone. Then you will ask for me. Who knows? You may even be in need of me tonight. If so, you’ll know where to find me.”

As Carol was led away nobody saw the pain she inflicted, but Richard was wounded, straight to the heart. He remembered a line from a movie Mindy liked that mentioned when a woman strikes she strikes at the heart and rarely misses. In the excitement of dealing with Mindy and Carol, Richard knew he had completely forgotten about James, not yet out of all danger;  
Carol, however, had remembered it. “Oh God” he whispered and made his way down to the hotel entrance. Everyone was gone--Mindy had been in such a tricky condition she was transported by police car instead of waiting for the ambulance. D.I. Gaines and others had taken Carol to the police station. So Richard began to walk. He felt and heard a strange thrumming in his body, and every step he made toward the hospital seemingly got him nowhere. The cars on the street, people coming to and from the hospital entrance, were running in slow motion in their mad version of the world, ignoring Richard spinning on his own hamster wheel at his own pace. He entered the lobby, walking slowly past the throng of reporters encamped permanently there, yet didn't stop to wonder why he wasn't bombarded by them, in fact not even approached.

As Richard entered the elevator and selected the floor for the ICU, he began to wonder if something was wrong with him. The thrumming had become a roar in his ears, drowning out all other noise. On a floor before the one he wanted the doors opened. A woman stared intently at him, not from recognition but from worry, and let them shut without entering. Richard wondered if he was beginning to lose his mind. The doors opened again and he numbly stepped off.

The first face to meet him was Andy's. “Richard! Holy fuck, where the hell have you been? We’ve been looking all over for you.”

Jeremy's face suddenly popped up in front of him, looking worried. “Hammond?” He stared directly into Richard's eyes, then waved his hand in front of him. “Hamster, where are you?” Richard stared at him blankly. “I don't think he can hear us,” he said to Andy.

“Maybe I should get Dr. Lewis,” Andy offered and left for the ICU.

“Mindy…” Richard mumbled, barely able to hear his own voice over the roaring in his ears.

“They're pumping her stomach,” Jeremy answered, his volume matching Richard's. “Last I heard, she was holding her own. Jesus, Rich, we tried to find you. Where did you go?”

Dr. Lewis came through the ICU doors, looking grave, making a beeline for Richard, followed by Andy. Taking hold of Richard's arm, he said, “Mr. Hammond, I think you need to sit down.” And something in his tone caused Richard's brain to slip.

Richard widened his eyes, something neither Jeremy or Andy thought possible. “James…” he whispered in horror as he unwound his last thread of sanity. That was it, why they had been looking for him, why Dr. Lewis made a direct line for him. Carol had been right and James had died. James was dead and Richard had not been here with him. The world faded to gray before Richard crashed to the floor.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more to go.

Richard loosely made the tie, stared at himself in the mirror, and wanted to go back to bed. He wanted to sleep, that's all he’d wanted since it happened, ever since...At least it would get him through another day. Some of the days it was all he could do to will himself to breathe in and out. God, he wanted to have a drink to deal with this, fill the dark space within himself. But no, it was too early to drink, much less get drunk, which drinking would lead to right now. He never expected grief would take everything from him like this. He knew it would be hard, one of the most horrendous times he’d ever have to face, and he knew he'd have to face it alone. He just never expected it to be this hard. 

From downstairs Richard heard Jeremy calling up softly, “Coffee’s ready, Hammond. Come get some. The limo will be here soon.” Richard fought the urge to burst into tears, grabbed his suit jacket, and walked down to the kitchen. Jeremy had spent the night last night to support Richard, bless him, and had acted at times as a counselor, bartender, mother hen, and much older brother when it was necessary after everything happened. Richard suspected Jezza had done this as his way of atonement for going off on him that day in the hospital, even though Richard had completely forgiven him of that long ago--that very day, in fact. But he had been there, and to Richard that was what mattered. “How are you doing?” Jeremy asked after studying Richard for a moment.

“You really have to ask?” Richard answered softly as he took a sip of his coffee. “How’s your hangover?”

“I've had worse,” Jeremy answered. He’d gotten considerably more drunk than Richard last night, a real feat considering how much of a lightweight Richard really was. Maybe one day both of them would come to appreciate the event for what it was instead of what had precipitated it. “Are you sure you're okay?” 

Richard shrugged. “Not really,” he replied, his voice small and subdued.

Jeremy studied Richard some more. He knew how different Richard had been since everything happened. The doctors had diagnosed it as a post-traumatic depression, brought on by lack of food, water, rest, and extreme emotional distress. Richard had recovered from it and resumed the exuberant, sometimes irrepressible personality loved for by millions, though tempered. But the phone call by D.I. Gaines had plunged Richard back into a dark place, a place even Richard knew he should not stay for long. “You know, Hammond, if you're not up to this, everyone would understand…”

“It's not a matter of whether I’m up to it,Jez,” Richard argued. “I feel like I have to do this. I need to do this, for me. I think it will help me to heal.”

Before Jeremy could come up with an argument to counter that statement, a horn honked from outside. “There's Wilman with the limo,” he said. Jeremy turned back to Richard, putting a hand on his shoulder. “We have plenty of time. Come out when you're ready.” He left the house. There was silence.

Richard couldn't really blame people much if they were feeling protective of him. He was the legendarily brave, tough Richard Hammond to the public, and yet he’d been thrown by it all, dealing with a seriously deranged woman along with what had happened to James and Mindy, all at the brink of physical and emotional collapse. He just wished he’d been stronger when D. I. Gaines had called with the latest news.

“Clarkson's right, you know.” A voice boomed in the stillness, causing Richard to jump slightly. James was sitting at the kitchen table, finishing his coffee. He’d been home for a few weeks now, readjusting to normal life after the hospital and rehab to get his body back. Richard studied him. The final outward trace of James’ recovery was the cane leaning against the wall, what he used in case he became tired, something that would be put away soon as he was walking further without it. “Rich, you have nothing to prove among us,” he said. “If you want to back out there's no shame in it.”

“I know,” Richard nodded, “but like I said, I need to do it. It's to help me, to help us. You have worked your arse off to get yourself where you are. You were so in need of the doctors and the therapists to help you for so long, and now it's my turn to help you, but right now I’m not very strong. I need to get better.”

“You know you have nothing to prove to me, you short arse,” James replied, giving Richard a gentle grin. He took Richard's hands into his. “Over the years,” he began, “when you’ve been hurt, or you were in the middle of doing something risky, and I fretted over you, you’ve always said the same thing: 'You don't need to worry over me.’ So I'm saying that to you now. I’m getting stronger every day, and I can take care of myself now. You don't need to be the one taking care of me all the time. We can take care of each other.” Richard grinned slightly and James pressed his forehead to Richard's in affection. “If you want to do this, you know you have me in your corner.”

Richard looked up at James as he stood and grabbed his cane. “I love you,” he said softly.

James grinned down at him. “Don't worry, your secret 's safe with me,” he replied. “Now, don't embarrass yourself by having an old man beat you to the car.”

“God, that would be embarrassing,” Richard answered.

***

The four of them rode in the limo in silence, each of them deep in thought. Andy looked at each of his fellow partners-in-crime and wondered if this episode would ever allow them to come back completely. They’d all seen some life in the past several years, and some of those experiences had been transformative, but he was afraid something like this would only scar everyone. He worried he would never be completely forgiven for not seeing Carol's true nature and stopping her before she'd inflicted all that damage. He could not have seen it, D.I. Gaines had reported. but he knew somehow he should have. Andy knew he'd live with that the rest of his life.

They arrived at the small chapel and got out, the media being kept at the entrance of the Memorial Garden to aid in privacy. Francie was there waiting for Jeremy, who greeted her with a kiss on the cheek. Richard looked around, not really listening to the chatter surrounding him. His brothers Andy and Nick were there, as well as D. I. Gaines and Dr. Lewis. Up to the point Richard collapsed in front of Dr. Lewis at the hospital, nobody had realized how ill he’d become; after days of sleep and multiple IV’s, Dr. Lewis had unleashed a stern warning that Richard was indeed aging, and a man in his 40’s, no matter how fit, could withstand little water or food for days with practically no sleep, then emotional stress, and not risk his life. From that point, with Dr. Lewis’ supervision, James and Richard had been looking after each other physically and emotionally. And from what Dr. Lewis could see, as he chatted with the minister who would preside over the service, that care was continuing as he watched James take little glances in Richard's direction, then nod in acknowledgement, as if to say to Dr. Lewis, “It's okay. Despite everything I’ve still got this.”

Then Richard saw her. He’d not spoken much to Mindy since the incident. She had been a patient at the same time as her ex-husband, then she needed time to process what had happened to her and why. Then Richard couldn't bring himself to talk about it much. He’d been wracked with guilt, knowing she'd been collateral damage in Carol's obsession with him. He'd nearly lost this woman, who had once been so very important to him, nearly lost the mother of his two daughters, because of himself. He didn't think Mindy had it left in her to forgive him for anything else, so he’d backed away, only coming because James had asked her.

***

It had been three months since Carol had been arrested. and another week’s worth of investigation before D. I. Gaines could charge her with the murder of Barry Partridge, along with the attempted murder of James and Mindy and Francie; she was also charged with kidnapping for holding Mindy hostage. It had caused a media frenzy which had only recently begun to calm down, leading to debates on whether laws should be toughened against stalking celebrities. The trial was promising to be a circus, and everyone was resigned to the fact James’ and Richard's true relationship would become public knowledge.

A month ago, however, came the first of two events nobody saw coming. Carol had been declared incompetent to stand trial. Carol had a full-scale mental breakdown the day of her arrest, which led to two mental health evaluations. The conclusion of both evaluations was that Carol's diagnoses were so severe it was doubtful she would ever be able to stand trial. She would be placed in an institution and treated in the hopes she could eventually answer for her crimes.

For his part, James felt the position was what his mother would call “unnecessary”. He didn't see the point of treating someone for an illness-mental or otherwise--for a number of years for the sole purpose of putting them in prison forever. D. I. Gaines sat in his room for hours and explained the extent of Carol's illness, even allowed James to read Carol's previous evaluations. It horrified him. 

“I know it's not up to me,” James said to Richard that night as they sat on the couch in his room in rehab, “but if it were up to me, I’d simply say treat her and hope that someday she becomes a functional human being again. Forget bringing her to trial.”

Richard nodded. “I feel like I should be the one put on trial here,” he said. “She did all these things because of me, and I didn't see it. She nearly killed Mindy, and she nearly killed you. And I just didn't see it.”

“Rich, how could you have seen it?” James asked. “ Nobody did. She covered her tracks too well. And she was ill long before you met her. I can't blame you for what happened to me. I don't even blame Wilman, and he hired her.”

“Then you’re a damn sight better than me,” Richard answered. “Because I've alternated between being angry at him and angry at myself for all this.”

“No need to be,” James answered as he cupped Richard's face in his hands. “I am here, and I plan on getting out of here, going home, and having you in my bed, in my house, and in my life. And after we’re done with this, we don't have to worry anymore.”

Then, four days ago, the other shoe dropped.

James was tired. He’d overdone things that day, he knew it, and it tired him out. Richard had been ill-tempered about it the rest of the day, little grumbles and snipes about not being careful and possibly making himself worse. Finally James lost his temper and announced to Richard he was tired and going to bed early, and when Richard could be the man he loved and not his nursemaid, he could join him upstairs.

Richard sat in the living room, not really paying attention to the movie he was supposed to be watching. He’d turned off the TV and was locking up for the night when his phone rang. “Hello?”

“Hello, Richard, it’s Detective Inspector Gaines. I need to talk to you and to James.” His voice sounded strained.

“James went to bed awhile ago,” Richard told him. “What's wrong?”

“I just heard from the mental institution,” D. I. Gaines answered. “Carol Whitby killed herself this evening.”

For a moment Richard lost the ability to speak. “Are you sure?’

“Yes.” There was a pause. “What are you thinking?”

“I don't know what to think,” Richard answered honestly. “How did this happen?”

“She was found hanging in her room,” D. I. Gaines replied. “She'd been taken off the suicide watch. Knowing her history, chances are she waited out the staff until someone wasn't watching like they should.”

“I can't help but feel like I have some responsibility here,” Richard sighed.

“Don't, Richard,” D. I. Gaines quickly responded. “You had no responsibility in her illness. The situation was unavoidable. You had to reject her, and the obsession simply broke her.”

“James knew she was attracted to me,” Richard argued. “He warned me and I didn't listen. I tried to let her down easy.” He felt a large lump forming in his throat. “I never wanted _this_ ,” he whispered.

“I know. And I didn't want to have to tell you this tonight, but I thought it better to hear it from me first instead of on the telly. All I can suggest is for you to have a stiff drink and try not to beat yourself up over this. Try to get some sleep.”

“I’ll try. Goodnight.” Richard hung up the phone.”

A few minutes later Richard made his way upstairs. James had fallen asleep with the light on, his reading glasses resting on his nose. Richard had removed the glasses to put on the nightstand when James stirred and opened his eyes. “God above, Hammond, you look like you’ve seen a ghost. What's happened?”

“Gaines called,” Richard answered slowly. “Carol committed suicide.”

“Bloody fucking Nora,” James gasped. “When? How?”

“It happened this evening. She hung herself.”

“Dear God…” James whispered. He shook his head. “Of all things to happen, it’s weird to think I didn't expect to hear that.” He took Richard's hand. “What about you? What's going on?”

“What's going on,” Richard answered sadly, “is that people I love all got hurt in this thing because of me. Because I couldn't listen to your warnings and leave well enough alone. And then I couldn't find a way to let her down easy. And it's made me look back at everything the past several years and realize I’ve done more to bring about hurt and misery on everyone than happiness. And I have no idea how the fuck to fix it.”

“Rich, that's not true,” James replied gently. “Yes, things have happened, but I think that's what they call Life. It's not all rainbows and unicorns, I’ve found.” He stroked Richard's cheek. “There are people out there who deliberately inflict misery on others and enjoy it, or at least don't give a shit who they hurt. Speaking as someone who's known you for several years, I can testify before God Himself you’re not like that. Sometimes you can be a complete arse, but your compassion is one of the things I love the most about you.”

Richard gave James a half-smile that didn't reach his eyes. “I’m going to get ready for bed,” he said and headed for the bathroom.

***

Mindy wasn't alone at the service. Her boyfriend had come along to support her, which reinforced Richard's overall good impression of him. After a few minutes of greeting people together, Mindy noticed James was standing off slightly to himself. She grinned and walked over to give him a hug. “You look so much better than the last time I saw you,” she greeted him warmly. 

“I feel much better,”James replied, “and I'm probably going to end up healthier. I have to exercise every day, though I'll never get into running like Richard. And for at least the next six months I’m allowed no alcohol. After that we'll see. How are you?”

Mindy sighed. “The nightmares have mostly stopped,” she answered. “Of course I had one the other night when I heard the news, but it had been at least a couple of weeks before that.” She glanced over to Richard, who had wandered over to her boyfriend and was chatting with him. “How is he?”

“He’s been taking this hard,” James responded. “He feels like he should have seen something was wrong with Carol, and that he brought what happened on us. In fact he’s gone back to thinking he's done nothing but hurt all of us the past several years. That's why I thought taking on the service would be good for him. She apparently has no family, and even I was uncomfortable with her just being discarded like rubbish. I hope Richard can see arranging the service as something positive.”

“It's sad how he can't see the good he does for so many,” Mindy whispered as her eyes welled with tears. “It's one of the reasons I fell in love with him, and why you love him now. If this doesn't reach him and he keeps slipping into the space he’s in, I fear we’ll end up losing him.”

***

A moment later the minister ushered in the few people present and began the service. The minister made a few comments, standard things a minister would say presiding over a memorial service. He then invited anyone who wanted to say a few remarks of the deceased to come forward. Everyone looked at each other nervously. Then Richard stood up and walked up front.

He looked at the people staring back at him for a second, feeling his breath catch. He wasn't sure if he could do this after all, wasn't sure if he could get the message across that he wanted to convey. But then he took a second glance and realized he was among people he loved, who loved him, who would be willing to listen. It was why they were here.

“Carol Whitby,” he began, then paused. “ _Caroline Shipcomb_ , was complicated. Not always in a good way, and not always in a bad way. And it wasn't entirely her fault. The Carol we knew, who we wanted to know, was quiet and gentle and shy. But she was also deeply, deeply troubled. I guess over the years she got really good at hiding it. Maybe she did that because she was afraid of abuse or rejection. I guess we'll never really know. Granted, some of the things she did to others was terrible, and they were done to me and those I love. Even so, I cannot bring myself to hate her. She doesn't deserve hate. What she deserved was something we couldn't give her, and that was a rational mind. From that you can have the purest love, the deepest friendships. And I guess if there is anything we can learn from Carol, it’s to appreciate what we have. I have love and friendship in my life, and I try not to dwell on what I don't have. Caroline, I'm sorry I could not be what you wanted me to be. I just hope this makes up in a small way for it. Thank you.”

Richard sat down next to James. Almost immediately he began to feel the dark weight lift.


	16. EPILOGUE

_6 months later_

“Bloody hell, Hammond,” James gasped as he stared at Richard's latest painting. It was an abstract piece, background colours of deep, vibrant purple and yellow ochre with shocks of bright red and gold throughout. “What inspired you to paint this?”

Richard grinned. “You like it?”

James’ blue eyes glowed. “I love it,” he answered, not taking his eyes away from it. “It's fucking brilliant, and it's not even a car or a bike!”

Richard smiled at James’ praise. “You inspired It, you know.”

“How did I inspire _this_?” he asked.

“Well,” Richard answered, a little sheepish, “when we're in bed and you make me come, and it's particularly intense, I get flashes of colour. I have to tell you, you make me see colours quite often. But this was the first time I got the colours I saw on canvas, exactly the way I saw them.”

James was shocked. “I did this?”

Richard smiled gently. “Of course. Why does that surprise you, you idiot? I love you, James May, and sex is always best with the one you love.”

James smiled feebly at Richard. The past 6 months had been about finding normal again. He’d been given a clean bill of health from the poisoning, and the exercise he had to engage in to regain his strength had the added benefit of losing some weight and increasing stamina. The result of that was a man in his 50’s who had no need of a little blue pill to make Richard see colours.

As for Richard, the memorial for Carol was the kick-start he needed to begin pulling himself out of the darkness. By not discarding her in death the way she had been in life because of her imperfections, Richard felt he had atoned in a small way for discarding her himself. Was the change overnight? No. Even now Richard would occasionally wonder if he was doing more harm than good to his loved ones. James would see a haunted look cross Richard's face on the rare occasion Carol was mentioned. But those moments were happening less and less, and the moments Richard was himself and could enjoy his life far outweighed the dark ones.

Richard was more appreciative of the good things in his life since then. Mindy was making a point of staying in touch with him and his struggle actually brought Mindy and James closer than they had been in years. Their mutual love of Richard and their worry over him in his dark moments made them allies.

The point of Richard's life that remained radiant throughout everything involved Izzy and Willow. From afar he could see the heroism of Mindy within them, a wellspring of strength and power. And they loved Richard and James dearly. In those moments when the darkness would threaten to sink him again, sometimes it was the thought of them that would lift his spirits. Someday he would tell them exactly how important they were to him, but not yet.

Right now what he had in front of him was another point of light in his life--this man, a man who inspired him, who caused his creative fires to burn at levels he never dreamed of. A man he discovered he needed in his life when he nearly lost him. A man who filled him with joy. He was back to where he was before Carol came along.

Richard placed his hands on James’ arms and kissed him fully. “Why don't we go upstairs and you try to make me see more colours?” he asked, giving his eyebrow a wicked arch.

James smiled back. “I'll make sure you see all the bloody colours in the deluxe crayon box.”

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say thanks for everyone's patience and appreciate the comments. There is another story to post, but I might take a bit of a break. Like Richard in this tale I became ill and had to learn to take things easy. Will see you again soon.


End file.
